Friday, August 13, 2010
Oh, hello friends.
I promised you a recap of the Real Housewives of DC. Yes, I did. But I will not begin at the very beginning, mostly because that was well covered by the numerous publications that reviewed the show (New York Times, Washington Post) and the many many recaps of who these women are and why we should care. Plus, two of the "stars" have already testified before Congress! So, we'll start with episode 2.
Oh Mary. Who in the last episode informed us proudly that she lives in McLean, right next to Dick Cheney. Congratulations! I lived right next to him too. When he was living at the NAVAL OBSERVATORY and actually had a heartbeat. Please, rest of America, in DC, everyone lives next to a politician. Do not be impressed with this.
So, Mary's big problem this episode is the fact that her 23 year old daughter is incapable of using a coin operated laundry machine (Really? Why was a biometric lock on the closet necessary? This Lolly girl doesn't seem like Hudson Hawk over there.) and has a huge dog who sheds all over her mother's house. To resolve these problems, Mary leaves her daughter huge tips at Leopold's (they probably pool tips...) and speaks in English punctuated with Spanish words to a housekeeper who undoubtedly speaks fluent English.
In the intro episode, Stacie seems like the most normal person in this show. She actually lives and works in the District and her husband works in Fenty's administration. She is also the only non-Caucasian primary character in a city that is 80% black. Therefore she decides to invite all the "Housewives" to her aunt's house for soul food....especially Cat, who Stacie suspects is racist or at least bitchy and British. Because she likes GW Bush and hates Tyra Banks. And sake.
Ok, let's talk about how ill conceived this whole idea is. Besides the fact that inviting a big group of people to someone else's house for dinner (even if they are family) is just strange. Trying to make it some kind of social experiment is even weirder. I mean, I'm Jewish. So, if an acquaintance who I am forced to hang out with due to a contractual obligation starts talking about how Joe Lieberman is such a douche because he snubbed her in Social Safeway and how she hates John Stewart and his smart-aleck liberal intellectual brand of humor, maybe I think she's not a huge fan of Jews. What I do not do, is invite her over to my grandmother's house for Friday night brisket and kugel. Unless I'm making a TV show. Because it did make for some awesomely uncomfortable moments and a chance to bag on Cat later in the basement.
Oh also, her husband has some bizarre patent application for measuring penises. That is what it is.
As mentioned, Cat made a bad situation worse by...well, pretty much breathing in this episode. She practically spit out the little cordial of wine she was served and then was off like a prom dress the second dinner was cleared. I'm surprised Bravo didn't get audio of her purging her collards in the bathroom the way she ran out of there.
Then, she lecturers Mary on parenting by telling her to push her adult child out of the nest. I mean, clearly, her fourth graders are cramping her style...although I'm not sure why she doesn't just send them to boarding school. Isn't that what Brits do? That way they don't have to move across an ocean every time their mother gets married and divorced. Oh, snap! I went there!
Had a birthday. And picked out her "presents" from the six things that some dude brought to her house. And then "got" a horse. That she named Sparkle. I shit you not.
Oddly, that was the only moment of Michaele's scenes that did not seem prescripted or planned.
Also, invited Cat and Mary over to her place to ride horses and marvel at her skinny jodhpurs and bizarre husband. Also, planned to "host" a birthday party for Paul Wharton (does anyone else totally only know him from that old episode of MTV's Made where a girl wanted to be a model? Just me? Alright. I'm a loser.). Where she "arrived" in a white limo like in Pretty Woman with a "police escort." Do you notice the use of quotations? That's because everything this woman does is fake. Unless the police escort was required by the court.
Oh, Lynda is my favorite. Not just because she drinks a lot of Scotch (did you catch Ebong trying to take her drink at the end of Paul's birthday party before she drains it? A girl after my own heart.)
Among the other things she does that I like? She calls out Virginia wines as totally mediocre, even though I suspect that was mostly a dig at the Salahis, but is totally true. She tells Michaele to her face that she told Paul to galvage her like a goose because she's too skinny. Eats fried chicken. Seems mildly horrified to leave the condos at the Ritz Carlton for Virginia residency. Has a relatively normal DC-person conversation with Cat's husband about working with Bush and Obama.
For this, I will overlook all the weird "number one modeling agency in DC" talk and the fact that she allows her son to date an employee. Or that she hired her son's girlfriend. Or whatever.
So...what do we think so far? Is it just me or are the fake shots of DC just recycled from Top Chef? Aren't we just in countdown mode until the State Dinner?
Friday, August 06, 2010
I love a palette for travel. It can drastically cut down the size of one's makeup kit without sacrificing options. Since I just dropped my Trish McEvoy Pretty Face palette on the floor, I'm in the market for a new one.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
I lucked out on my first trimester...things were going great, I never got sick, never felt bloated, I ate gummy worms by the bagful.
Ok, I'll stop.
The one thing I did notice was that my skin broke out like a 12 year old.
I'm not sure if I can blame my hormones or the fact that I was falling asleep face down on my couch every night at 7:30 pm. But for whatever reason, things got YM in my house superfast.
The main problem was that, being a good little science nerd, I happen to read all the advice about steering clear of most acne and other skincare acid products during pregnancy.
Over abundance of caution?
Totally ridiculous considering the gummy worms and coffee I continued to ingest?
Yup, yup, and yup.
Did it make me feel a little better about the coffee/corn syrup fiesta?
But I wasn't capable of giving up beauty products entirely, especially when I had a Level 5 breakout on my hands. So when I put out a query to the Twitter-verse about face scrubs and Belle over at Capitol Hill Style recommended Ole Henriksen's New Beginning Scrub and said it was all natural...I decided to check it out.
Besides, Swedish things are so hot right now.
Not willing to pony up for the whole jar just yet, I got a sample and really liked it. The texture is a little honey-like, with a mild and pleasant smell. The best thing was the fact that the scrubbing beads are made from jojoba wax as opposed to salt or sugar or apricot kernels. This made the scrub far more gentle than other scrubs I've tried, something I really prefer.
Eventually, my skin cleared up. Again, who knows if we can chalk it up to the scrub or the fact that I was actually washing my face at night, but I like to think it's the scrub. It's either that or the fact that I finally stopped eating gummy worms after totally OD-ing on them one afternoon at work.
You know, whatever.
photo courtesy of sephora.com
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Given my current state of with-childness and general lack of ability to post about anything with a waist or chemicals, I thought I'd post something from the archives once a week to fill the void. It's like catching an old episode of 90210 on television...you know you'll like it...even if you know how it ends.
This week: I do believe the fact that the biggest magazines show up at the beginning of August recess is NOT a coincidence. And for that I am grateful. Here's an oldie but goodie from August 2006.
In other news, I am apparently Casey Kasem.
I'm sitting here at my makeshift corner office dreaming about when my boss leaves town on Friday. I'm thinking about all the things I can do!!
I can go back and forth to the bathroom without my Blackberry in hand (that buzzing sound in the stalls is seriously disturbing) and walk at a normal pace, instead of a sprint.
I can finally cure that case of scurvy I've gotten from eating out of the vending machine all the time.
And I can actually read something other than the Congressional Record, Roll Call and The Hill (well, and of course, your blog!). I'm super excited about the September issues of magazines that are bound to be hitting the newstand soon, but with all that reading material, I need a strategy! What to do???
Thanks...Daydreaming in Dirksen.
I know how you feel! The second that gavel hits announcing the recess of the session I'm running out of the building like those kids in Dazed and Confused with "School's Out for Summer" playing in the background. Anyone want to haze the incoming staffers by paddling them and spraying them with ketchup and mustard?
I too have been dreaming of the days where I can tote around an issue of Vogue the size of the Peoria phonebook and pore over glossy photos of clothes which would cause certain death by heat exhaustion if I wore them now.
But with so many magazines arriving, you must have a plan.
First, if you are like me and subscribe to most (okay fine, almost all) fashion magazines, the September issues can cause serious Mailbox Buckling.
It is important NEVER to let your mailbox go unemptied during a day in August, lest both Vogue and InStyle arrive on the very same day. It is possible that your mailman will keep one or both until there is more room, creating a neverending cycle of backlog which is very bad.
It also helps here to grease the palm of your mailman so he doesn't get mad at you for contributing several extra pounds to his sack. Since federal employees cannot accept gifts worth more than $10, try to catch him on a hot day and offer to buy him a Frappucino or a cold glass of iced tea or something. A little goes a long way here. Your magazines will arrive in pristine condition from now on.
Second, this is a good time to throw away all back issues of magazines clogging up your apartment, blocking air vents, hiding pets, etc. This also creates goodwill with anyone with whom you happen to be sharing an apartment. Especially if he is prone to saying, "How many magazines can one person read??? And why can't you ever throw any of them away??"
Third, since you are cleaning out your stash, this is also a good time to bring the most recent month's stack to someone who likes magazines but doesn't actually read any, like a friend or coworker. This can also be a sly way of saying, please throw away those acid washed jeans or short sleeved seersucker number you've been swanning around in. Newsflash, even though a Bush is in the White House and despite what you see on VH1, the 90's are over.
Fourth, if you simply cannot wait for the ones which you have already subscribed to, go for a fast-food-esque fix with one that you wouldn't normally read. The ones hitting the stands first are Marie Claire and Shop Etc.
Fifth, once the good ones start trickling in, prioritze. I like to save the best shopping ones for last if I can, especially Vogue, Allure and InStyle. Lucky gets consumed first, because it comes early in the month and is conducive to a second read-through later. Bazaar next, because there really isn't ever anything to read.
Sixth, when they arrive, flip through and rip out any card inserts right away. Even if you will not read it until November, trust me, it saves time, energy and frustration later. Imagine you are enjoying a day of leisure, sipping iced coffee at Patisserie Poupon in your best faux-Euro-cool outfit flipping through Vogue (the only acceptable magazine in the presence of someone French) and a card for a "free PINK panty" from Vicky S. falls out and skids across the courtyard. Can you spell gauche? I can.
Seventh, make lists!! Make lists of what you want for fall, use those little tabs in Lucky, rip out articles, etc. This will help you prioritze when the weather is actually cool enough to shop for wool without dry-heaving.
Eighth, yes, I am a total anal retentive lunatic. But only for this month....
Also, seriously, email me with questions. Otherwise I plan on making up softball questions for myself like those lobbed by Jeff Gannon. Make like Helen Thomas!