Rules To Live By

In law school, we were taught that every question has the same answer:

It depends.

I firmly believe that when it comes to answering issues of legal significance, the slightest change in detail can drastic affect the response.

But when it comes to fashion, I enjoy stating things in absolutes.

Like my favorite:

Black tights go with everything.

EVERYTHING.

Seriously. From about mid October to late April, tights are my leg clothes of choice.

Frilly summer dresses? Pull on your trusty tights and chunky sweater and go.

Pencil skirts? Tights and a sharp jacket over a sexy secretary blouse and boogie.

That white cocktail dress? It's all about tights and black patent heels.

So here's my problem. I'm constantly on the hunt for the blackest, most opaque tights on the market. My current choice are the Assets line from Target, which are made by the Spanx people and consistently make you a full half size smaller. The only problem is that their magical body-morphing fabric extends to the mid-thigh area, making it difficult to wear them with a short skirt or dress.

I've heard that Wolford makes the creme de la creme but in These Economic Times, I think my husband might flip if I spent $40 on hosiery and tried to serve him ramen at dinner.

So help me out! What are the best black tights on the market?!?

Ok people. We've reached def-con 6000 and going to ludicrous speed.

That's right.

It's Inaugural Weekend here in our Nation's capitol and it's fricking freezing.

I mean that totally literally.

FREEZING.

So, if you are planning on spending the day anywhere outside of your bathtub with a shotgun I Am Legend style in DC, follow my 10 patented steps for beauty on the go.

First, think about how long you will be outside, whether attending the swearing in, the parade or just wandering around seeing what all the fuss is about. Now double that. And add an hour. That's how long you will TRULY have to brave the elements. Now weep in fear.

Second, prepare. I am planning on packing handwarmers (mmmm, exothermic reactions are awesome), gloves, hat, long underwear, and fleecy boots. I will look like Nanook of the Beltway, but whatever. Photos will be taken from neck up only.

Third, layer. And by that I mean moisturizer. Seriously, take the thickest lotion you've got and slather it on. You'll have time to shower it off later, but for now, you want to make sure nothing gets chapped. Those parade stands are metal. Nobody wants a freezer burned scaly ass.

Fourth, LIP BALM. Tons of it. Everyone knows my Rosebud devotion, but it doesn't matter what you use, just use it. Breathing through your nose is going to burn like you snorted a Pixi stick (ok, I only did it ONCE. on a DARE. At SUMMER CAMP.) so make sure your mouth breathing doesn't turn your lips into a bloody mess.

Fifth, choose accessories wisely. As I said, I'm making sure that pictures will be of the cute stuff, so my hat will be cute. I'm loving the furry aviatior/bomber hats with ear flaps and anything in a bright color.

Sixth, waterproof mascara. Even if you're not a cryer or weeping tears of joy, that biting cold wind will make your eyes tear and it's hard to do a precision wipe with gloves.

Seventh, take pictures early. All of the above will only get you so far. Take pictures early before you dissolve into a windburned, teary eyed, chapped mess and you can tell your grandchildren that you always looked that good when you were that age.

Eighth, wear COMFORTABLE SHOES. If you are going to a ball later, you will definitely want to save the pain for later. I had the good fortune of being able to scoop up a pair of the Bromley boots from JCrew that I have been eying since last year and they are cozy and warm and comfy. NB If you read between the lines here, I'm telling you that it's ok to wear Uggs outside the house.

Ok, wait, I need a minute to believe that I actually just typed that.

Crud.

Ninth, abandon all fantasies you had about looking cute while bundled up. You gave up on that when you bought the Uggs.

Tenth, if you can get a private audience with the President, ask him to support a constitutional amendment to move the swearing in to May. Seriously, Michelle would be all for this. Girlfriend has to stand up there and she actually has to look CUTE!

So Fresh and So Clean

I usually refrain from doing a lot of posts about awards shows, mostly due to the fact that, by the time I sift through all the pics and press releases, everyone else has discussed and is bored and doesn't want to hear it.

But last night, while I watched Laura Linney accepting a Golden Globe, I was struck by two things.

First, what the eff?  No Globe for "Congo?!?!"  

Just kidding.

Second, she looked FAN-fricking-tastic.

Not scary-skinny-Restylaned like the Desperate Housewives, just pretty and glowy and natural.

So when I saw a press release about her makeup, I just had to post.

Skin Care: La Mer The Mist, La Mer The Moisturizing Lotion, La Mer The Lip Balm

Foundation: DiorSkin Pure Light in Light Beiged

Concealer: DiorSkin Sculpt Lifting Smoothing Concealer in Beige

Powder: Physicians Formula Organic Wear 100% Natural Origin Pressed Powder in Buff Beige Organics, $13.95

Bronzer: Physicians Formula Bronze Boost Glow-Boosting Pressed Bronzer in Light to Medium, $14.95

Blush: Physicians Formula Organic Wear 100% Natural Origin 2-in-1 Bronzer and Blush in Light Bronzer / Pink Rose, $13.95

Eye Shadow: Physicians Formula Shimmer Strips in Miami Strip, $12.95

Eye Liner: Physicians Formula Eye Definer Felt-Tip Eye Marker in Soft Black, $6.95 / Dior Crayon Eyeliner - Waterproof Trinidad Black 094 (Jet Black)

Brows: Dior Powder Brow Pencil in Blonde

Mascara: DiorShow

Lips: Dior Addict Ultra Gloss in A Lick of Taffy / Dior Contour Lip Liner in Nude Rose

Highlights / Contour: Physicians Formula Shimmer Strips in Sunkissed Glow (Highlighter), $11.95 / Physicians Formula Organic Wear 100% Natural Origin 2-in-1 Bronzer and Blush in Light Bronzer / Pink Rose, $13.95

Body: MAC Strobe Cream

And since I am posting just ONE DAY after the show....Renee Zellweger.  Why?  Sweet mother of crap, why?

My Verdict

Big thumbs down.

Gossip Girl: In the Realm of Basses

Welcome back!  

Honestly, I got so bored with making fun of Serena's boobs towards the end of last season, I just couldn't think of any new creative ways to say, Sweet Christ!  What 16 year old has cleavage that prominent?!?

However, like bears and my ability to accomplish anything, Serena's boobs have gone into hibernation during the winter.

All is well.

Blair continues to be the fashion raison d'etre for me...I mean, I've never been a fan of short sleeved suit jackets.  I think they are just something that female lobbyists invented so we don't have to sweat to death that last week before August recess.  In the 80's.  And never updated the look.

But Blair pulls it off here, pairing a Diane von Furstenberg jacket with a long sleeved tee and pencil skirt.
She pulls out another gem with the Nanette Lepore "Shake It" cardigan with gorge ruffled neck and satin details.  It's like a sweater and a scarf and a nightgown all in one!

Serena, boobs safely in hiding, still manages to don some skanky ass outfits, typically consisting of skintight jeans and droopy jersey tops.

The only highlight?  The leather jacket with sweater detailing.  Skintight, of course.  Girlfriend would have to hold onto a bed frame and suck it in to have someone zip that baby up.

My last favorite?  Lily's clearly-Loub shoes for the getaway to Boston to find her love child. 

Talk about irresponsible parenting...I bet that kid ended up a Red Sox fan.

Shudder

Until next week...let's just hope Serena's cleavage doesn't emerge from its chrysalis to flap its wings.