Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Coordinated Effort?

In Washington, it's virtually impossible to escape the shadow of Election Day. While the rest of the country gets excited about dressing like tramps (that's what the Today Show called them, I crap you not!) and eating FAR too much candy, the D.C. metro area gets all hot and bothered about political jokes and polling numbers.

As for me?

Well, I'm pissed off that Almay can't seem to make a makeup remover to take off their OWN mascara.

Maybe Zogsby should start calling people about this hot button issue!!

A while back, I reviewed a bunch of mascaras and settled on Tarte's Lights, Camera, Lashes! as a favorite daytime mascara and began using Almay's Oil-Free Makeup Remover Pads to excellent effect.

I was originally seduced by the bold claims (Oil free!! America's Number 1 Eye Makeup Remover Brand!! Good for contact wearers!!) and was impressed by how easily it removed the mascara and shadow without any rubbing or pulling of eyelashes or burning of the eyes. So when the Tarte mascara hit the end of its three month lifespan, I picked up a tube of Almay's One Coat Triple Effect Waterproof Mascara.

I was hoping to maximize the efficacy of the makeup remover by coordinating the brands, but, much like a government where all branches are controlled by the same party, it was a disaster.

The mascara itself was a letdown. Good darkening, but much clumping and smudging. I came home with circles under my eyes and specks near my eyebrows. The remover seemed totally ineffectual! I rubbed and smeared and pulled, but the mascara refused to go anywhere but under my eyes and clumped at the roots of my lashes.

Honestly, it took a full two days to get this stuff off my eyes, and I think that's only because my eyelashes fell out.

Needless to say, I'm back to Tarte mascara removed with the Almay remover pads. I'm also going to go back to eating my Halloween cupcake, provided at a staff pumpkin decorating contest paid for with YOUR tax dollars.

Think about that when you go to the polls.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Out, Out, Damned Spot!

You know those electric fence thingamabobs people in the suburbs have for their dogs? It's like this laser that reacts with a contraption on the dog's collar to give him a shock every time he tries to get out of the yard. Eventually, the dog learns about the shocks and stays in the yard away from cars or neighborhood small children.

Yeah, if someone could figure out how to rig one of these up to give me a shock ever time I try to go into a Sephora, that would be awesome.

The other day on a government-sponsored day off, I wandered in to "just look around."

All together now, YEAH RIGHT.

The plan was to check out theBalm's Stainiac, a lip stain I had seen in a recent issue of Lucky Magazine. Also, if people could keep me away from this magazine, that would also be nice. It seems to trigger all kinds of cravings to be like the current Lucky Girl.

I was in the market for a stain for a few reasons.

One: Due to high wind velocity, the whipping of hair around seems to get stuck in all manner of lip glosses.

Two: The dark berry colors seem to fit in well with the fall color schemes and lipstick like this seems to scare me for some reason.

Three: While I am a total lip gloss fiend of the highest magnitude, I can actually be quite lazy about reapplying, and I was hoping a stain compensate for my inattention to this area.

Fourth: Oh, please, like I really have any excuses?

So off I went. I liked the Stainiac, especially in the Prom Queen color, but something was lacking. I began wandering.

I dismissed Benetint, as I don't enjoy having to use my fingers to apply the stain, although I was tempted by the Pocket Pal, I forged forward.

The next group of stains that interested me were the Bourjois Bons Baisers de Paris. This is an actual lip stain pen that you draw on your mouth and then go on your merry way. They had a variety of colors, which was really nice, but the name had me a bit troubled. While un baiser can be a kiss, which is how I'm sure they intended it, it can also mean something far dirtier. And like to Orbitz gum chick, I like to keep my mouth clean.

I was also a little concerned that the pen-esque delivery method would be confusing to my boyfriend and that I would come home some day to find him trying to do the Post crossword with it.

So I meandered over to the Tarte counter and finally hit paydirt. I picked up the Rise & Shine Plumping Lip Shine and called off the search. the dual-ended lip gloss contains a stain on one side and a clear bright lip gloss on the other side. I chose the Pink color, instead of the cherry red and am loving the results. Together, they deliver a deep pink color with high shine that makes me look much more awake (cause, man, do I need that!)

The stain looks great on it own with a little slick of Rosebud salve, and the gloss looks good on it's own as well. My only complaint is that the "plumping" effect translates into a little lip burning when I first put it on, which is not super pleasant, especially since I have no interest in "plumping" anything on my body.

The dual sidedness is a really nice touch, as I can now fit it in my evening purse and have multiple options without needing my entire arsenal of lip glosses.

The best part? The stain lasts, but comes off relatively easily by the end of the day. Because scrubbing and scraping is very unbecoming.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Scratch 'N Sniff

When I was little, I had this book about ancient Egypt that explained that the women were obsessed with fragrance (yeah, a lack of running water and soap would make me start thinking up ways to cover up the funk too). They used to make these cones of scented oils that they would wear on their heads when they went out to parties and they would slowly melt all night, keeping the women smelling rockin' as they danced the night away.

Ok, fine, I editorialized a little on that last part.

But those ancient Egytians had some smart ideas. Those of you who are faithful readers will know that I am a big big fan of the Oscar Blandi Jasmine Hair Serum. A tiny drop gives my hair a nice sheen and tames some flyaways without making me look like I got doused in canola. It also smells AWESOME.

Wait, I want to repeat that. YUH-mmy. If you think I'm just making this up now, you are wrong! I have evidence to prove it! See...I talked about how much I liked it here and here too.

The problem with the serum is that the smell never really lingers, and since making a cone out of it and waiting for the oils to drip down over my head every day probably wouldn't fly in the cloakroom, I started thinking of alternatives.

Then! I read a recent Lucky Magazine where Alexis Bledel talked about how she used her favorite jasmine scented lotion as a perfume.

Wait! Bandwagon! I want to get on you!!

So I began the hunt in earnest for a jasmine lotion that mimicked the Oscar Blandi serum smell.

Many lotions were sniffed. Many made me gag. Things were slathered and smoothed. Then my boyfriend started gagging. But I finally arrived at a winner.

Red Flower's Indian Jasmine Moisturizing Lotion.

It rocks. It smells Good. That's right, with a capital G. The lotion itself is also very nice, sinks in quickly and doesn't leave me feeling like a walked around all day with a big cone of oily fragrance on my head or anything.

The best part? The good folks at Blue Mercury in Georgetown gave me three generous sample sized packets while I wait for it to be reordered. (That's my shout-out to good customer service for the day.)

Friday, October 20, 2006

Project Runway: Finale, Part 2

Or as I like to call it, a totally moot recap, because you all already know who wins.

Previouslies: Seriously people, why are you watching if you don't know what happened before this? Oh fine. Laura accused Jeffrey of cheating, while everyone else made clothes.


Tim calls Jeffrey on his product placement phone and tells him that they are getting IRS on Jeffrey's ass and auditing that crapola out of his receipts. Tim also informs Jeffrey that there is no evidence that he paid someone to do the pleating on these cute little shorts that he has. Apparently there are people who specialize in pleating things for designers. Who knew?? I'm totally seeking one of those people out and getting something pleated.

So, Tim tells Jeffrey to have this House O' Pleats come up with a receipt pronto and fax it over STAT! Jeffrey laments that this pleat place is like Sanford and Son, at which point the theme song gets totally stuck in my head. They are unable to forge a receipt, get to a Kinko's and make things happen for Jeffrey, so he is SOL and knows it. You can tell because he starts making a new skirt. It's like my friend who bakes when she gets stressed out, or my friend who drinks when he gets over worked...ok...nevermind.

Finally, Tim arrives and tells everyone to gather round to hear the verdict. In measured tones and words that make who ever edits the misleading scene clips for next week salivate, Tim announces that Jeffrey certainly DID do all his own sewing. BUT! He does not have a chicken-scratch receipt for the shorty-shorts and he went over budget by a few hundred dollars. Dude?!? What was he thinking?

Well, whatever, then Uli clutches Jeffrey in relief as Laura smiles a screwed-lip grin. (Umm, Uli? You were the one who told Laura to tell on Jeffrey, let's not get all huggy-kissy now and then tell Laura that she must be happy that she made Jeffrey cry).

Actually, I thought there was a nice little cathartic circle here, as Jeffrey made someone else cry (Angela's mom, in case you haven't ever seen or read anything about the show) and now he must cry. Ahhhh, sweet justice.

But no time for reflection here!!! Back to work!!

There are many shots of everyone desperately trying to finish up their collections and Jeffrey tells Tim that he will not use the bizarro Vanessa Beecroft wigs in his collection to make up for the budget blowing. Tim nearly cries in relief that the runway show will be that much less flammable.

On to the runway! There is a strange shot of them walking across the street into the tent where there are no cars anywhere (I guess that's the magic of television, folks) and then we see everyone talk about how much this means to them, blah blah blah...I want clothes!! And celebrities!! And C-list Bravo "stars!"

Soon enough....

My impressions of the collections:

Michael: Despite walking out to the thunderous applause of the crowd, as befitting the winner of the Popularity Contest, Michael's collection was really disappointing. Everything was SO tight, SO short, SO booby-licious that it was too much. There was so much gilt that I was expecting King Midas himself to walk down the runway and turn the Queer Eye guys into blocks of bullion. I thought there should have been either something to make it wearable or something to make it ironic. There was neither, but I really have no fears about Michael going on to do things in the future, so I make peace with the fact that he won't win.

Laura: I thought Laura's collection was pretty fantastic. Yes, it was all eveningwear, but until recently, so was Badgley Mischka. And yes, it was very similar to a lot of what she already did in the show, but so was Uli's collection. I thought some of the dresses were really elegant and not so rib-baring as her other things. Honestly, for me it was between her collection and Jeffrey's for the win. But more on that later.

Uli: Ok, I know everyone loves Uli. People are swarming NinaGarcia and breathing down her neck to get Uli to design a line for them. She is a genius with prints. Her collection was very resort which is totally in right now. I get it. I just thought her collection was the same dress she showed in every. single. challenge. in the show. With a weird little tan jacket thing thrown in. She kept telling the judges that she wanted to show something other than prints, but I don't think the prints were the problem. I think the dress was the problem. The flowy dress with the little keyhole near the boobs. I wish she had used the prints to do pants for once! But that's just me, and I truly thought that she was going to win....

Jeffrey: Wow, I can't believe they chose Jeffrey. I mean, I thought he deserved to win and all, but wow. I totally thought Uli was going to win. I thought his collection was awesome. I found it really creative and hip. I loooveeed his dresses. Those, I would wear today if I could. But I can't because it's like 2 degrees out. Even the dresses that Fern Mallis thought looked out of place, the blue and silver minidresses. I loooved them. I would wear the skinny pants with the cute little jackets. I felt like he designed for someone I would like to look like, if I were cool and lived in the East Village before the NYU took over every building (as opposed to living in Dupont before every building becomes a Starbucks). Mmmm, yeah, I just loved. And I'm really glad that he won, because I think he earned it.

So, Jeffrey won. What did you all think about the finale? Do you totally disagree with me on the Uli-dress? Did you think Jeffrey deserved to win because he could totally use the free car in L.A.? Do you think Michael should move to New York and work for Michael Kors? Has Laura had her baby yet? Should Tim commission someone to design new outfits for the House pages?

Until next season!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Always Remain Focused

Last Monday morning, I stumbled blearily out of bed towards the shower, grabbing my new bottles of L'Oreal Vive Pro shampoo and conditioner as I went.

Now in the shower, I pick up the first bottle, labeled "conditioner." Okay, fine. So I pick up the next bottle..."conditioner." Huh? And, since I can sometimes be a royal idiot in the mornings, I pick up both bottles and look at them together. Yup, that's right, I bought two bottles of conditioner. My mind races back to the day before...

I'm standing in Social Safeway (a grocery store in Georgetown which earned a reputation for being the cruis-iest supermarket in DC due to the high concentration of young singles looking for love and grub in the frozen foods aisles) and trying to decide on a new brand of shampoo. L'Oreal Vive Pro was recently named as a "Best of" in Allure magazine and has lots of pretty colored bottles.

So I am trying to decide if I want the one for "color treated hair" or the one for "highlighted hair" (pretty Sophie's Choice, huh?) when my cell phone rings.

"Ummm, so are you at Safeway?" my boyfriend asks.

I tell him yes, in my best "making HUGE hair care decisions here!!" voice.

"Sooooo, could you pick up some chips?" he asks.

In the background I hear the sounds of a football game and a boy's voice.


"Okay....." I say into the receiver.

"Pssst, pssst, tell her to get salsa too." "Saaaallllllsssssaaaaa!!!!!"

"Ummmm...could you get some salsa too?" my boyfriend asks.

"Chhhhhiiipppppssss and saaaalllllsaaa!!!"

"Yeah, and uh, when do you think you can be back? Like, soon?" asks my boyfriend.

At this point, the finer distictions between color treatment and highlighting were moot. I shoved the bottles in my cart and took off at warp speed to the snack aisle, hoping only to get home before the boys resorted to eating my strawberry body scrub.

And that is how I ended up standing in my morning shower with a ton of conditioner and zero shampoo.

I rectified the situation later that day, deciding that my hair was "highlighted."

As for the product, I have to say that I don't love it. The conditioner especially is very thin and watery and does not coat my hair and I have been noticing tangles in my hair post-shower. And I never get tangles.

I also notice that my hair is very heavy at the scalp, whcih I don't like becuase it makes me feel like I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair.

Which is totally a possibility.

However, I am going to keep up the search for a better shampoo/conditioning duo. And turn off my phone the next time I go shopping.

Monday, October 16, 2006

D-DIY: DON'T Do It Yourself

So yesterday, I went to get a manicure.

This is a pretty big deal for me, since I'm one of those people who is all, "I can do it myself! I don't need some professional to paint my nails! Screw that!" I save my manicure time for functions like weddings and hearings that might actually be on regular C-SPAN (as opposed to C-SPAN 3).

Then I end up with nail polish all over my fingers, my boyfriend is opening a window and mock gasping for air from the fumes.

But, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm also kind of a trend-whore.

Not that there is anything wrong with that!!

So when I picked up a bottle of Sephora No. 11 nail polish, a dark brownish red color which is all the rage, I decided that a mistake would be more visible and hightailed it to a salon.

For all the Capitol City residents in the house, I go to Jessica B. in Georgetown.

While I waited, I noticed that the foreground of the nail polish selections were dominated by the dark colors. I spied several half used bottles of OPI Lincoln Park After Dark and Essie Wicked.

But, in my independent spirit, I was BYOBNP today.

As I said, Sephora's No. 11 is a deep brownish red color, closer to Wicked than to the Lincoln Park color. I imagine that it would be called "oxblood" in a J. Crew catalog.

As someone who always chooses pale colors, the sight of the dark fingers was quite startling. I was actually on the verge of disliking it, waving the trend-whore flag and retreating to Essie Ador-a-ball. But as I walked home, it began to grow on me. I felt very chic. I began to notice my hands a lot more. Actually, at dinner, my boyfriend asked why I kept staring at my fork-holding hand so much.

So...it was definitely worth going to a professional for this one...but I still plan on tackling the Ballet Slippers myself.


Sunday, October 15, 2006

Eat it, Tim Russert!

So this morning, I was sipping some coffee and gearing up to watch the midterm election smackdown-fest on Meet the Press while checking out some of the comments on the blog.

And then coffee goes spraying all over my apartment.

Apparently I was mentioned in Marie Claire magazine?!?!?

This clearly necessitated a dash to CVS in my peejays.

And there it was:


I cannot tell you how flattering it is that someone considers my site worthy of their procrastination time.

So...welcome Marie Claire readers!!

I promise to try keep you from work you should be doing in the future.

PS I'll try to post a copy of the article here, if Blogger EVER lets me post pictures again. Sniff. Otherwise, check out the November issue of Marie Claire on the newstands with Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover. Page 56!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Project Runway: Finale, Part 1

Damn you Bravo TV producers and Project Runway story editors!! I hate the split finale!!

Oh well, on previouslies, there was a challenge and the judges decided to send all four to Fashion Week!! There is much jubilation, but also, whispers of tension between the contestants.

So everyone is packing up to leave the Atlas (cute that it is two boys and two girls, no one has to pack alone) and catch cabs to home. Laura earns my undying respect by simply stating, "I'm walking home," puts on her sunglasses, and marches her little pregnant ass down the street in heels.

A month passes...

Tim is off on the first of his visits!! This is the part where Tim checks in with all the designers at home while they work on their collections so we can think, Good Lord! What have they been doing with their time?? It is also so we can see their families and glimpse into their pasts and get attached before we see the hopes and dreams of all but one get smashed into teensy tiny pieces.

First up is Michael, so Tim heads down to Georgia with product placement rental car as his ride. Michael opens the door and is all, "Whassup!" He also announces to the camera that he has braces and tells us that we are allowed to make fun of him. Sweet. Railroad tracks, huh? No one's going to want to kiss you with all that hardware in your mouth!! Can you get radio stations through those? Ok, fine, I'll stop being third grader.

So Michael shows Tim what he's been working on and Tim seems impressed with the dress on the form, which is a white long slinky dress with a lace up deep V neck. Tim does not seem super thrilled with the sketches on the walls though. He gives Michael the thinking face, and Michael gets the picture....as in, keep working....

They go to Michael's family's house and Tim has dinner with the fam! Too cute for words.

Then, it's off to...Laura's apartment! Laura continues to earn brownie points with me for her acute self-awareness and wry sense of humor about her gaggle of children. Favorite statement: I produced a line of kids, why not a fashion line?

Laura shows Tim her GINORMOUS LOFT and I can see that Tim is chartreuse with envy (PUH-lease, what New Yorker wouldn't be??). Oh, speaking of chartreuse, she shows Tim her stuff, including an outfit that Tim later calls the "chartreuse popsicle." I want to wretch when I look at that thing. Fortunately, her other stuff looks promising, even though I catch glimpses of lace V-necked gowns. Dun-dun-DUN!!! The V-Neck strikes again!! But maybe those are just Laura's fall wardrobe.

Then, as if set to "Flight of the Bumblebee," Laura's litter storms into the room and swarm around Tim. One even tries to hand Tim some turtle poop. Tim seems genuinely horrified. As he should be. I'm guessing no one ever handed Tim Gunn turtle poop before.

After Tim washes his hands with bleach (seriously, turtles carry some nasty ass salmonella), he's off to Miami to chill with Uli. He looks at her stuff and it is all so Uli. She echoes Michael's safari theme, only this is tropical, not urban safari. Prints, blah blah, swirly fabrics, blah blah. I am non-plussed with Uli until she starts talking about her time behind the Iron curtain. Interesting....

Fade out to Tim flying into LA to visit Jeffrey. Wow, Tim drives in LA. He is brave. That scares the bejesus out of me. At Casa Jeffrey, we see Jeffrey's girlfriend. And while his mom might not have a mohawk, his girlfriend does. Well, I didn't really expect him to be dating someone who looks like Jessica Simpson.

We hear all about Jeffrey's drug addiction and daddy issues, and I can't really make fun of this because that's just plain mean.

It's off to the workspace, because, we are reminded (HINT HINT), Jeffrey has his own line and a factory of Ooompa Loompas who do his fashion bidding. He pulls out some dresses and Tim heaps on praise. Here is where I'm actually surprised. I really like Jeffrey's stuff. Like...a lot. I expected to like his stuff in a sort of, editorial-that's interesting-but I would never wear it-way, but I think I would actually like to wear it. I think this was the kind of this he was trying to do in the last challenge, but he got it on point this time. He has a very sophisticated inspiration that doesn't sound like a cliche and the clothes were pretty.

Well, we'll have to see how that goes....

So they all arrive in New York and get to work with the castings and the finishings and the talking to the makeup artists.

Tim visits and is so happy that Laura has 86'ed the vomit coatdress. I have to say that I looooved the dress that was on her form in the workroom. The pretty sparkles around the neckline and the grey looked fantastic. Elegant, but not a total rerun of her other stuff. I am still seeing the plunging sternum dresses though.... (insert gnashing of teeth here)

Uli's stuff is so plain Uli. I have to say that I am just tired of Uli's schtick. Perhaps even more so than Laura's.

And Michael. Michael, I think, pulled a Daniel V. He is young and very talented, but seems to always do better when there is a specific challenge to meet. The more guidelines, the better the clothes, but when given more freedom, I feel like he loses his way. Tim seemed to express the frustration with the "bling factor" and I worry that this all looks a little Rocawear for NinaGarcia/Michael Kors.

So, next week, we'll see the collections and....wait, what? There was a big controversy? Laura accused Jeffrey of cheating? Huh? Did I go to bathroom at that point? How did I miss that?

Just kidding!!

Okay, my take on this. I do not think it's fair if Jeffrey did not finish all his sewing himself. I do think it's possible that he did not do all of his sewing. I think it will not be possible to prove that. I do think that they will find something possibly amiss in his receipts that were so disorganized and have a problem like that. It's like indicting Scooter Libby on perjury instead of leaking classified information. Or getting Al Capone on tax evasion.

I don't think Laura was wrong to bring it up. I think she may not have done that if it was Michael sitting there twiddling his thumbs, but that is what it is.

I am interested to see what happens to Jeffrey. Will he show his collection, but simply as a decoy and not be judged? Will they find nothing wrong at all and let everything proceed as scheduled? Will all this stress send Laura into early labor?

I said it before and I'll say it again...Damn you producers and your infuriating editing!!

Until next Wednesday....

Check out Blogging Project Runway for the continual scoopage.

Also, ponder these questions:

Do we think that Laura's husband is even capable of producing X sperm, 'cause it looks like he's shooting all Ys.

What exactly is an urban safari? Look!! A feeding frenzy at Millie and Al's for dollar Jello shots! Staffers preening in their natural habitat...Ann Taylor Loft. Watch the mating rituals at Social Safeway. Don't get too close to the line at Starbucks, the office workers are known to bite back if they haven't had their coffee.

Does that makeup artist do a smokey eye on EVERYONE?

Do we think I could look even 10% as good as Laura when I am pregnant? 'Cause that would be awesome.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Project Runway: Reunited, and it feels so good.

Great, now that song is totally stuck in my head.

Previouslies: There was a whole season of craziness and fashion!! Did you miss it? Then you shouldn't be watching this episode!

Reunions, whether they be reality TV shows, college, high school, that summer camp you went to once upon a time, whatever, are basically all the same. Now, there should be some ground rules for reunions in general.

First of all, they should definitely include some booze. It makes everything a little easier. Especially when you go to a reunion and watch an ex-boyfriend PROPOSE to his girlfriend. TOTALLY A HYPOTHETICAL. And, it makes it a lot easier when you go up to him and bitch him out. AGAIN, I AM TOTALLY MAKING THIS UP. It also makes it a lot more fun for the people watching.

However, the PR reunion seemed very dry. Seriously, the Sahara looked like a pool party compared to this place. And hence, very little screaming and yelling. Actually, people seemed pretty civil.

One sticking point that I thought was sure to draw some screaming and hair pulling was the recap of the Jeffrey/Angela spat during the Mom challenge. And I think Angela expected it too. Actually, I think she was baiting him into it. But Jeffrey didn't really nibble. I thought he was very unapologetic, but less asshole-y than in the actual show, and didn't really give anyone cause to argue. I think Angela was disappointed. Maybe she can make a great big bubble skirt and decorate it with rosettes. Then I'd pick a fight with her.

Second necessity for reunions is seeing that people who were totally whatever then, have become cool now.

Malan wins the grown-up introspective, better-in-the-reunion-than-he-was-on-the-show award. He was insightful as to what he did while he was on the show, talked a little bit about his lousy 'rents who wouldn't let him go into fashion because he might be gay and modestly acknowledged that he showed at Fashion Week. I heard that his collection was fantastic. Maybe even better than any of the Final Four. Oh, and I've been refusing to look at any of the pictures of the collections online because I would like SOME element of surprise when I watch the show. Also, the other contestants seemed genuinely happy for him and Malan had a good laugh (read: cackle) at the retrospective of his bizarre laugh.

Third rule: Aaannnnddd, some people are just as freakish and weirdo as you remember.


There truly are no words to describe how totally whacked out Vincent is. But I'll give it the old college try.

Ummm, I anticipated the whole "it turns me on" crap. Fine! I saw the preview! I steeled myself for the creepycrawlies.

The scrambling to explain his online trash talk? Totally confusing and not working. I think everyone had it right when they looked at Vincent like he had two heads and said, "we're the amateurs?" And snaps to Tim Gunn for taking the wind out of Vincent's sails by elegantly stating that he thought his work blew...but it's nothing personal.

But the laundry scene? Hellooooo?!?! Was anyone else having Mommie Dearest flashbacks? I cannot BELIEVE that that hit the cutting room floor. Truly one of the funniest reality show moments. Especially Michael's bleep-filled imitations.

Also winning the DSM-IV award for crazy is Keith! I get that he is pissed. But dude is a total LIAR. To pathological extremes. What was that whole insinuation that the producers planted the books in his room after they took them away? Oh, snaps in z formation to Tim for calling Keith out too. Then claiming that he never knew that you couldn't have them?? Didn't them taking them away tip you off? And...I'm about to go legal on Keith's ass...READ YOUR CONTRACT BEFORE YOU SIGN IT! You are assumed to have read and understood everything in a contract once you sign it. EVERYTHING. Any first year law student could tell you that.

Which brings me to the fourth rule...not everyone is as smart as they thought they were. While the designers may be creative and talented with those insane sewing machines...they are not exactly Nobel Prize winners. Apparently, Tim's vast vocabulary confounded them all! He used words like "mitigate," "caucus," and "sturm und drang!" I sincerely hope the last one didn't confuse Heidi or Uli. Look, I'm trying not to be an intellectual snob here (cough, over 700 on the verbal SAT, cough, cough) but this is NOT rocket science. Ok, fine, I'm a total snob and I totally love dropping "placate" in my everyday conversations. Tim and I are a match made in heaven. But I knew that.

Fifth rule! Show up with a slamming new look!

Oh yes, Bradley with the buzz cut. Much more sleek and less Woodstock (the Snoopy sidekick, not the music festival. Although that works too.)

Laura with the ginormous uterus! Crap on a stick! Is she having a litter? She did look faboo though, in the red dress and rocking the high heels.

Everyone else looked the same.

Sixth rule, there is always a popularity contest. Always.

And Michael won it. Can I get a "DUHHHH???" A highlight: Laura's total vicarious embarrassment for Michael receiving the huge poster check. Seriously? What is the point of those?

Seventh, try to learn from your experiences.

I think this was my favorite moment of the whole show, when given the opportunity to questions Michael Kors and NinaGarcia about anything, Angela goes straight for the dog challenge.

"Uhhh, if I had had a different story???"


"No wait, what if there were a different..."



"It sucked."

"But I..."

"Awful." "Hootchie." "Scary."

Way to put the smack down guys!

Other than that...I finished this reunion and am totally ready to move on, get on with life and see what's ahead. Just like after my own college reunion. Except....minus the pounding headache....and the sinking feeling I did something regrettable...

No Tim's Take because he was brutally honest in the reunion, but Blogging Project Runway's got lots of goodies!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

ANTM: The Girl Who Hates Her Hair

Also known as...this happens every single season.

First I'd like to start out with a little disclaimer. I watch ANTM because it is pure unadulterated junk food for my brain. Not that my brain needs it, but damn does it taste good. But sometimes it ends up like I ate a whole bag of marshmallows. Full, but also kind of empty, buzzed and more than a little sick to my stomach.

Well, gas up the Pepcid baby, cause it's time for another cycle!

As if the models are like Luna moths or something, the show is a cycle, not a season.

I am skipping past the selection episode because those other girls just didn't get picked. And as Tyra always reminds us, the fashion industry is BRUTAL. Suck it up. Seriously, here's a straw.

Also in the last episode, the girls did their first photo shoot which everyone keeps telling us was so "controversial" because it involved acting out model stereotypes. Let me just say, after living in Washington during the past week, I can tell you that they don't know from controversy. And they are totally self important.

So, in this episode, the girls are chilling at the ridonculously large house decked out with photographs of Tyra from another era when Jay shows up to take them out to breakfast. This serves two purposes. One, it gets them out of the house. Two, it tries to prove that models eat.

At breakfast, Jay lectures them on the importance of being able to tap into emotion and be able to "go to the vulnerable place." While most of the girls look at him trying to decipher the four syllable word, Jay immediately dives into telling everyone about Megan's tragic story about how she was in a plane crash and her mom's body shielded her from hypothermia and she lived long enough to have Tyra exploit this story on national television. So apparently, Megan should use her painful personal history to pull out a slick picture to sell shaving cream or something.

When they get back to the house, it turns out the Tyra is there! Much shrieking ensues. But then they find out that the house has been turned into a salon and that Frederic Fekkai is there to do their makeovers!! More shrieking. Then Tyra tells everyone what they are getting and the shrieking mostly stops. Frederic mimes along, because for some reason, he is not allowed to talk.

Jaeda has been selected to play the part of the pretty girl who gets all her hair cut off and looks like she just swallowed Ipecac. The twins (Amanda and Michelle, but seriously, who could tell?) are getting various shades of red, Anchal must have her hairline moved back (huh??), a bunch of people are getting loads of fake hair, and Megan gets turned icy blond.

Onto the hissy fits!! Monique is very upset because nothing is really changing, yet whines and cries that people can see her without her weave or something and runs to the bathroom and slams the door. Ummm, whatever. Monique is crazy with a capital RAZY.

Jaeda sobs her way through the haircut, even though she literally told Jay that morning that they could shave her head, she didn't care. Obviously, she is no stranger to self delusion. Anyways, she ends up looking like Halle Berry, which was the point, and she looks awesome, get get a tissue or something and suck it up. Because honestly, Anchal just got half her hair ripped out and she's cool.

There are a lot of other people who are whining about their makeovers, like AJ, who looks exactly the same, and Jay gets totally K-Fed up. I guess seven "cycles" of listening to this whining was finally too much. He calls all the girls together and serves it right. He tells them to shut it. And they do.

Point of order: The only person who I totally respected for not going along with a makeover was Danielle from last season who refused to let them completely close the gap in her front teeth. Unlike hair, that is permanent and something she felt was very personal. Kudos to her, cheetos to all the other whiny girls. And they have to eat them!

The next dramatic sequence is the challenge, which involves this totally bizarro model obstacle course whereby the models must grab makeup and clothes and accessories from different floors of a hotel and squish into an elevator getting ready and look fabulous for when they get to the top. If they miss the elevator, they get disqualified.

First up, Monique gets DQed. That part rocked. Then everyone does this confessional where they say they are scared to go home with her because she is going to take it out on them. Monique is what we like to call a sociopath.

The challenge continues, they all end up looking pretty horrible and get bitched out for not looking perfect (umm, you try putting on makeup in 30 seconds on an elevator with 10 other girls) but many sponsored products are mentioned. Mission accomplished. Eugenia wins and chooses CariDee (no joke, that's her name) and Jaeda to some web ad photo shoot.

When they get home...the reprisal begins. Monique gets on the phone and proceeds to stay on it for over THREE HOURS! Who is talking to her for that long? Well, actually we find out later that she was talking to a dial tone for a while, because that's how crazy she is. At some point, every tries to get her off the phone and Anchal wins the "sticking up for everyone" award by bitching her out, but nothing gets through to Monique. As we hear her friend say, they should know not to mess with a "princess of the throne." Huh? That's a good thing? I thought that was a nice way of saying someone had irritable bowel syndrome or something.

Anyhoo...they get to the photo shoot and learn that they will be posing with ginormous wigs designed by people who compete in "Hair Wars." Okayyyy.... Why they don't want to see the results of the makeover is beyond me, but okay.

Seriously, this episode was jampacked...I'm skipping to judging.

Okay, forget it. Here is who is totally forgettable and will be leaving in the coming weeks: Megg, Melrose, CariDee, Brooke, Eugena and Jaeda.

Staying around for a little longer: AJ, Anchal, one of the twins, Monique (crazy sells, dude)

Definitely here to stay: the other twin.

Sent home this time: Megan. I guess Tyra felt her sob story had already been explored enough and Megan was not talking about it enough to make the show interesting. I thought this was really dumb. She was by far one of the cutest girls and probably could have done really well. Why not dump Megg and her terrible posture? Or Brooke with her baby face and irritating need to lay off the Ritalin? But, Megan was a gracious loser, no tears, just a hug goodbye for Tyra (no falling on the floor weeping hysterically a la Melrose from last week when she wasn't even cut!!).

Up next week: More of the crazy Monique story! My Tivo cut off the rest, but apparently someone goes to the hospital!