Wednesday, October 04, 2006

ANTM: The Girl Who Hates Her Hair

Also known as...this happens every single season.

First I'd like to start out with a little disclaimer. I watch ANTM because it is pure unadulterated junk food for my brain. Not that my brain needs it, but damn does it taste good. But sometimes it ends up like I ate a whole bag of marshmallows. Full, but also kind of empty, buzzed and more than a little sick to my stomach.

Well, gas up the Pepcid baby, cause it's time for another cycle!

As if the models are like Luna moths or something, the show is a cycle, not a season.

I am skipping past the selection episode because those other girls just didn't get picked. And as Tyra always reminds us, the fashion industry is BRUTAL. Suck it up. Seriously, here's a straw.

Also in the last episode, the girls did their first photo shoot which everyone keeps telling us was so "controversial" because it involved acting out model stereotypes. Let me just say, after living in Washington during the past week, I can tell you that they don't know from controversy. And they are totally self important.

So, in this episode, the girls are chilling at the ridonculously large house decked out with photographs of Tyra from another era when Jay shows up to take them out to breakfast. This serves two purposes. One, it gets them out of the house. Two, it tries to prove that models eat.

At breakfast, Jay lectures them on the importance of being able to tap into emotion and be able to "go to the vulnerable place." While most of the girls look at him trying to decipher the four syllable word, Jay immediately dives into telling everyone about Megan's tragic story about how she was in a plane crash and her mom's body shielded her from hypothermia and she lived long enough to have Tyra exploit this story on national television. So apparently, Megan should use her painful personal history to pull out a slick picture to sell shaving cream or something.

When they get back to the house, it turns out the Tyra is there! Much shrieking ensues. But then they find out that the house has been turned into a salon and that Frederic Fekkai is there to do their makeovers!! More shrieking. Then Tyra tells everyone what they are getting and the shrieking mostly stops. Frederic mimes along, because for some reason, he is not allowed to talk.

Jaeda has been selected to play the part of the pretty girl who gets all her hair cut off and looks like she just swallowed Ipecac. The twins (Amanda and Michelle, but seriously, who could tell?) are getting various shades of red, Anchal must have her hairline moved back (huh??), a bunch of people are getting loads of fake hair, and Megan gets turned icy blond.

Onto the hissy fits!! Monique is very upset because nothing is really changing, yet whines and cries that people can see her without her weave or something and runs to the bathroom and slams the door. Ummm, whatever. Monique is crazy with a capital RAZY.

Jaeda sobs her way through the haircut, even though she literally told Jay that morning that they could shave her head, she didn't care. Obviously, she is no stranger to self delusion. Anyways, she ends up looking like Halle Berry, which was the point, and she looks awesome, get get a tissue or something and suck it up. Because honestly, Anchal just got half her hair ripped out and she's cool.

There are a lot of other people who are whining about their makeovers, like AJ, who looks exactly the same, and Jay gets totally K-Fed up. I guess seven "cycles" of listening to this whining was finally too much. He calls all the girls together and serves it right. He tells them to shut it. And they do.

Point of order: The only person who I totally respected for not going along with a makeover was Danielle from last season who refused to let them completely close the gap in her front teeth. Unlike hair, that is permanent and something she felt was very personal. Kudos to her, cheetos to all the other whiny girls. And they have to eat them!

The next dramatic sequence is the challenge, which involves this totally bizarro model obstacle course whereby the models must grab makeup and clothes and accessories from different floors of a hotel and squish into an elevator getting ready and look fabulous for when they get to the top. If they miss the elevator, they get disqualified.

First up, Monique gets DQed. That part rocked. Then everyone does this confessional where they say they are scared to go home with her because she is going to take it out on them. Monique is what we like to call a sociopath.

The challenge continues, they all end up looking pretty horrible and get bitched out for not looking perfect (umm, you try putting on makeup in 30 seconds on an elevator with 10 other girls) but many sponsored products are mentioned. Mission accomplished. Eugenia wins and chooses CariDee (no joke, that's her name) and Jaeda to some web ad photo shoot.

When they get home...the reprisal begins. Monique gets on the phone and proceeds to stay on it for over THREE HOURS! Who is talking to her for that long? Well, actually we find out later that she was talking to a dial tone for a while, because that's how crazy she is. At some point, every tries to get her off the phone and Anchal wins the "sticking up for everyone" award by bitching her out, but nothing gets through to Monique. As we hear her friend say, they should know not to mess with a "princess of the throne." Huh? That's a good thing? I thought that was a nice way of saying someone had irritable bowel syndrome or something.

Anyhoo...they get to the photo shoot and learn that they will be posing with ginormous wigs designed by people who compete in "Hair Wars." Okayyyy.... Why they don't want to see the results of the makeover is beyond me, but okay.

Seriously, this episode was jampacked...I'm skipping to judging.

Okay, forget it. Here is who is totally forgettable and will be leaving in the coming weeks: Megg, Melrose, CariDee, Brooke, Eugena and Jaeda.

Staying around for a little longer: AJ, Anchal, one of the twins, Monique (crazy sells, dude)

Definitely here to stay: the other twin.

Sent home this time: Megan. I guess Tyra felt her sob story had already been explored enough and Megan was not talking about it enough to make the show interesting. I thought this was really dumb. She was by far one of the cutest girls and probably could have done really well. Why not dump Megg and her terrible posture? Or Brooke with her baby face and irritating need to lay off the Ritalin? But, Megan was a gracious loser, no tears, just a hug goodbye for Tyra (no falling on the floor weeping hysterically a la Melrose from last week when she wasn't even cut!!).

Up next week: More of the crazy Monique story! My Tivo cut off the rest, but apparently someone goes to the hospital!


Samantha said...

I totally agree that Megan should have stayed and "RockNRoll" Meg or vacuous Eugena should have gone home. Meg can't keep her eyes open to save her life and she's like a white trash version of Bette Midler's "the Rose".

As you will see in the next episode, Meg has mouth issues besides her poor posture. The one twin has equally bad posture. And Monique, the resident sociopath, is up to more hijinks and then the Universe decides to poop all the negativity she's been dishing out back on her head. She gets all weak and dehydrated and pathetic and can't make it to the photoshoot/runway test. And it was a good one too.

Soprano said...

I can't be any more happy to see that Monique GOT DA BOOT! See yuh!

Your blog about this show made me crack up! Kudos to your brief-but-entertaining summary of ANTM!