Friday, January 16, 2009

Ok people. We've reached def-con 6000 and going to ludicrous speed.

That's right.

It's Inaugural Weekend here in our Nation's capitol and it's fricking freezing.

I mean that totally literally.

FREEZING.

So, if you are planning on spending the day anywhere outside of your bathtub with a shotgun I Am Legend style in DC, follow my 10 patented steps for beauty on the go.

First, think about how long you will be outside, whether attending the swearing in, the parade or just wandering around seeing what all the fuss is about. Now double that. And add an hour. That's how long you will TRULY have to brave the elements. Now weep in fear.

Second, prepare. I am planning on packing handwarmers (mmmm, exothermic reactions are awesome), gloves, hat, long underwear, and fleecy boots. I will look like Nanook of the Beltway, but whatever. Photos will be taken from neck up only.

Third, layer. And by that I mean moisturizer. Seriously, take the thickest lotion you've got and slather it on. You'll have time to shower it off later, but for now, you want to make sure nothing gets chapped. Those parade stands are metal. Nobody wants a freezer burned scaly ass.

Fourth, LIP BALM. Tons of it. Everyone knows my Rosebud devotion, but it doesn't matter what you use, just use it. Breathing through your nose is going to burn like you snorted a Pixi stick (ok, I only did it ONCE. on a DARE. At SUMMER CAMP.) so make sure your mouth breathing doesn't turn your lips into a bloody mess.

Fifth, choose accessories wisely. As I said, I'm making sure that pictures will be of the cute stuff, so my hat will be cute. I'm loving the furry aviatior/bomber hats with ear flaps and anything in a bright color.

Sixth, waterproof mascara. Even if you're not a cryer or weeping tears of joy, that biting cold wind will make your eyes tear and it's hard to do a precision wipe with gloves.

Seventh, take pictures early. All of the above will only get you so far. Take pictures early before you dissolve into a windburned, teary eyed, chapped mess and you can tell your grandchildren that you always looked that good when you were that age.

Eighth, wear COMFORTABLE SHOES. If you are going to a ball later, you will definitely want to save the pain for later. I had the good fortune of being able to scoop up a pair of the Bromley boots from JCrew that I have been eying since last year and they are cozy and warm and comfy. NB If you read between the lines here, I'm telling you that it's ok to wear Uggs outside the house.

Ok, wait, I need a minute to believe that I actually just typed that.

Crud.

Ninth, abandon all fantasies you had about looking cute while bundled up. You gave up on that when you bought the Uggs.

Tenth, if you can get a private audience with the President, ask him to support a constitutional amendment to move the swearing in to May. Seriously, Michelle would be all for this. Girlfriend has to stand up there and she actually has to look CUTE!

6 comments:

EthidiumBromide said...

Haha. Thanks for the tips. See you (and 5 million of our other closest friends) Tuesday -- I'll be the one in jeans and a lightweight fleece wondering why everyone else is so bundled up. Been living in DC for 7 years, and still haven't been cold here yet -- I guess that's what spending 3 years living in northern Canada will do to a girl!

The Cape House said...

That was a funny post, thanks for the info. We're leaving tomorrow to join the masses.

Elizabeth @ Capital Spice said...

Great tips. We have tickets to the swearing in which means a minimum of 5 hours outdoors. It is so cold I have completely given up looking cute in favor of keeping all of my digits.

But on the fashion tip, do you have any advice on where to get some cute winter hats? I feel like all my winter hats look more appropriate at a college football game but the stylish ones I find don't do much for warmth.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic tips! I live in a piece of frozen Canadian north (we recently went through multiple weeks at forty degrees below) - and I have to emphasize, waterproof mascara is an absolute must. There is nothing so embarrassing as realizing your eyelashes have frozen, and as they melt, are leaving little trails of mascara everywhere.

Jenny said...

I love aviator bomber hats too - but for some reason I just can't see anything when wearing one. Instead, I like floppy, dread holding fur hats - from Russia with Love style, real or fake. Quasi furnace! Urban Outfitters should still have some, and they're probably on sale...

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