Friday, August 13, 2010

RHODC: Disloyal to the Party

Oh, hello friends.

I promised you a recap of the Real Housewives of DC. Yes, I did. But I will not begin at the very beginning, mostly because that was well covered by the numerous publications that reviewed the show (New York Times, Washington Post) and the many many recaps of who these women are and why we should care. Plus, two of the "stars" have already testified before Congress! So, we'll start with episode 2.


Oh Mary. Who in the last episode informed us proudly that she lives in McLean, right next to Dick Cheney. Congratulations! I lived right next to him too. When he was living at the NAVAL OBSERVATORY and actually had a heartbeat. Please, rest of America, in DC, everyone lives next to a politician. Do not be impressed with this.

So, Mary's big problem this episode is the fact that her 23 year old daughter is incapable of using a coin operated laundry machine (Really? Why was a biometric lock on the closet necessary? This Lolly girl doesn't seem like Hudson Hawk over there.) and has a huge dog who sheds all over her mother's house. To resolve these problems, Mary leaves her daughter huge tips at Leopold's (they probably pool tips...) and speaks in English punctuated with Spanish words to a housekeeper who undoubtedly speaks fluent English.


In the intro episode, Stacie seems like the most normal person in this show. She actually lives and works in the District and her husband works in Fenty's administration. She is also the only non-Caucasian primary character in a city that is 80% black. Therefore she decides to invite all the "Housewives" to her aunt's house for soul food....especially Cat, who Stacie suspects is racist or at least bitchy and British. Because she likes GW Bush and hates Tyra Banks. And sake.

Ok, let's talk about how ill conceived this whole idea is. Besides the fact that inviting a big group of people to someone else's house for dinner (even if they are family) is just strange. Trying to make it some kind of social experiment is even weirder. I mean, I'm Jewish. So, if an acquaintance who I am forced to hang out with due to a contractual obligation starts talking about how Joe Lieberman is such a douche because he snubbed her in Social Safeway and how she hates John Stewart and his smart-aleck liberal intellectual brand of humor, maybe I think she's not a huge fan of Jews. What I do not do, is invite her over to my grandmother's house for Friday night brisket and kugel. Unless I'm making a TV show. Because it did make for some awesomely uncomfortable moments and a chance to bag on Cat later in the basement.

Oh also, her husband has some bizarre patent application for measuring penises. That is what it is.


As mentioned, Cat made a bad situation worse by...well, pretty much breathing in this episode. She practically spit out the little cordial of wine she was served and then was off like a prom dress the second dinner was cleared. I'm surprised Bravo didn't get audio of her purging her collards in the bathroom the way she ran out of there.

Then, she lecturers Mary on parenting by telling her to push her adult child out of the nest. I mean, clearly, her fourth graders are cramping her style...although I'm not sure why she doesn't just send them to boarding school. Isn't that what Brits do? That way they don't have to move across an ocean every time their mother gets married and divorced. Oh, snap! I went there!


Had a birthday. And picked out her "presents" from the six things that some dude brought to her house. And then "got" a horse. That she named Sparkle. I shit you not.

Oddly, that was the only moment of Michaele's scenes that did not seem prescripted or planned.

Also, invited Cat and Mary over to her place to ride horses and marvel at her skinny jodhpurs and bizarre husband. Also, planned to "host" a birthday party for Paul Wharton (does anyone else totally only know him from that old episode of MTV's Made where a girl wanted to be a model? Just me? Alright. I'm a loser.). Where she "arrived" in a white limo like in Pretty Woman with a "police escort." Do you notice the use of quotations? That's because everything this woman does is fake. Unless the police escort was required by the court.


Oh, Lynda is my favorite. Not just because she drinks a lot of Scotch (did you catch Ebong trying to take her drink at the end of Paul's birthday party before she drains it? A girl after my own heart.)

Among the other things she does that I like? She calls out Virginia wines as totally mediocre, even though I suspect that was mostly a dig at the Salahis, but is totally true. She tells Michaele to her face that she told Paul to galvage her like a goose because she's too skinny. Eats fried chicken. Seems mildly horrified to leave the condos at the Ritz Carlton for Virginia residency. Has a relatively normal DC-person conversation with Cat's husband about working with Bush and Obama.

For this, I will overlook all the weird "number one modeling agency in DC" talk and the fact that she allows her son to date an employee. Or that she hired her son's girlfriend. Or whatever.

So...what do we think so far? Is it just me or are the fake shots of DC just recycled from Top Chef? Aren't we just in countdown mode until the State Dinner?


Devin said...

Wow! That was more entertaining than the show! Can't wait for this weeks update.
Almost choked when she named that horse "Sparkles".... thought the horse hung its head low in shame.

DC Celine said...

ok, maybe i'm just not reading your stuff frequently enough (bad me), but not only did i not know you were with child (as mentioned in a previous comment), but i didn't know you were a scotch girl. i made h promise to bring me an 18yr, neat, to the hospital.

Divadebbi said...

Oh I loved this! Pret-tay Pre-tay puh-leeze cover last weeks grape stomp for us...

caphillbarbie said...

Ok! Honestly...I didn't think anyone cared to read these, so I'll catch up.

@DC Celine, Yup...only 6 weeks left! And I love the stuff, I've got a bottle of Blue Label that I've been saving for after the birth.

airbrush makeup said...

I am glad I have read this. Can't wait for any updates.

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