Project Runway: Waste Not, Want Not

Ugh...I'm going to call this episode: the time my retinas were singed right out of my head.

Seriously, there was so much ugly in this episode, I don't know what to do with myself.

In previouslies, models can be scary!! Especially when they throw their whole 100 lbs at something and claw at it with their birdlike hands. Talons, I tell you! Bradley doesn't know who Cher is and that automatically disqualifies you from winning anything in life. Michael wins due to his high level of AWESOMENESS.

Onward!

Heidi gets onto the runway and....DEAR GOD!!! What is she wearing??? Oh! My eyes!! She tells the designers that they are a bunch of pansies and things are going to get way harder. Michael sticks with Nazri as his model because he knows what's good for him.

Tim wakes up the designers at 5 am and hauls them out on a "field trip." No open toed shoes, he says. The only place I remember not being allowed to wear open toed shoes is the chemistry lab. Perhaps they will be calculating moles and determining melting points of various fabrics? Probably not.

Alison smart-asses at Laura, "good thing you are wearing your riding clothes." We see no aftermath, but I bet Laura tries to bitchslap her the way the State of New York won't let her discipline her kids. I chortle to myself. Good times.

They get in vans and head to the Lincoln Tunnel. That's right, they are going where no designers have gone before....

New Jersey.

Laura looks like she is about to hurl.

Tim finally does the big reveal that they are at the waste management center for recycling and that they have half an hour to collect materials to make a dress. Into the garbage once more, dear friend, Tim cries!

During this time, everybody is gathering stuff, and Kayne reveals that he is white trash. And that he used to dumpster dive. And that he had a sister. This is all of no consequence.

Back at the Sweatshop, Tim drops the bomb that they only get until midnight to make their garments!! It's just one thing after another with this challenge. They hop to it.

All of these scenes are very nondescript because you can't really see what is going on as they put stuff together. Alison is becoming increasingly disillusioned with her skirt that looks like a Devo hat and gives up to make a crumpled paper dress. Laura whips up a dress in about two hours and just stands around ironing for the rest of the time. Angela announces that she is going "back to patchwork." I scream, "bite me!" at the TV and hope her dress is ugly enough to get her sent home.

Michael is being very Zen and perfect, of course. Tim heaps him and Uli with praise. Kayne is being very art schoolish. He makes this ginormous paper skirt with a big flower painted on it that I thought was vaguely Viktor and Rolf-esque but Tim HATES it. He almost pukes all over it. Kayne shreds it and laments that he doesn't know what to do.

Tim winds his way around to Alison and looks perplexed. Then he notes that Alison's model is zaftig and they both look concerned. For those of you who didn't grow up with an evil Jewish great aunt who pinches you (after you've just recovered from MONO) and then turns to your mother and says in a stage whisper, "She's looking a little zaftig, dontcha think?" this is not a good thing. It's sort of like 'rubenesque" with a yiddish accent. They hem and haw over this model's fat waist but decide to do nothing.

Then there is Vincent. Vincent crossed the line tonight from funny-for-TV crazy to REALLY EFFING CRAZY. He insisted on making this dress that reminded me of the time my Dad went as garbage for Halloween by putting on a black garbage bag and taping things to it. There were just things, everywhere. I thought Kayne's dress was way better. Vincent also kept looking at the camera with crazy eyes talking about how he was making art and it "turned him on."

Oh yeah, that's right. Not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in this episode, Vincent made a sexual reference to his dress. This is where I'm really frightened. There is a word for these people, and I can't remember it, but seriously, dude, seek help.

Also, have you noticed that Vincent gets his own crazy music? It's like his looney theme song.

Also, there is a nice little tiff in the holding pen before the show where Laura serves Kayne! She says she questions his taste level! Then Kayne goes right ahead and serves her back! He questions her character and that's worse! Oh, it's on!! But Laura's got nothing. Advantage, Kayne.

Then they start the show.

(oh, yeah, Rachael Zoe is the guest judge. Could I be any more tired of her? No, I couldn't)

Robert's dress is this very Oscar de la Renta piece with silver mylar. He also escapes the wrath of Nina and lives to design and bitch about Laura another day. He quips earlier that he loves to recycle...ex-boyfriends! Robert, this is a bad idea. I have friends who do this and all then end up with is the same old crap, chewed up, reformed into something slightly different. Just say no.

Uli also leaves the runway after a shocked, "I'm not in the top???" look of disbelief.

Jeffrey is standing there, all, this is finally my time!!! They love his dress but he gets the shaft later in the episode. I felt bad for him until he started bad mouthing Michael. Shut it little man!! Comeuppance will come to you soon.

I was temped to put Laura in the category below, because I really don't like her, but her dress was so whatever. I'm REALLY tired of her schtick. Oh, and excuse me, but I have one of those camilla pins but mine is really from Chanel (well, fine, it's not exactly mine, it's a permanent loaner from my grandmother...and I'm still waiting for the white one!!). Take that you Park Ave biotch!! West Side forever!! The dress was nice, but so simple and looked exactly like what she was wearing on the runway...Jeffrey was right for once in his life. He should tattoo that on his neck.

Michael wins with his slammin' gold bustier and white "linen" skirt with "organza" wrap. The awesomeness continues to flow like chi with this one.

Now for the ugly:

At this point the only real shocker is that Angela's dress, which we haven't seen yet, is like this bizarro space age sparkly purple jumper with a tube top. Weird. Holes in my eyeballs continue to burn. But somehow she escapes the bottom three panel. She mouths a "thank god!" and skedadles. She knows what's good for her.

Alison's dress was ugly. Come on! It was puffy and pale and weird. I thought MK was right when they said she looked like a brioche. Apparently it also looks like she's been eating them, because everyone said she was fat. Also, screw H5N1, it looks like this will be season of the bubble skirt pandemic, and no one is immune.

Kayne's dress was ugly too. His model looked like Poison Ivy from Batman. But he played the "I screwed up" card and they let him off the hook.

Vincent. Shudder. Vincent scares the bejeesus out of me. It's like Humbert Humbert without the brilliant language or tortured soul. I had the creepy crawlies all night. I felt like reading "Goodnight Moon" to calm myself down or something, but I couldn't find my copy, so I popped some Ambien instead.

Alison ends up getting the axe. I don't get it. She had such a good track record, Vincent is just a big ball of pyscho. Whatevs, she says she has made her peace with it, so good for her.

When Michael exits the stage to tell all of his friends (because they all love him!) that him wins Angela jumps up with excitement for him and...good Christ!! What is she wearing!?!?! I vomit a little into my mouth as the pain in my eyes grows.

But, just when I thought it was safe to look at the TV at the end, I catch a flash of Laura's almost-boob!! Oh God!!! Looks like it's going to be a five-Ambien night. Maybe even a Nyquil chaser.

As always, Tim's Take and Blogging Project Runway rock my world.