Project Runway: Fit for a Queen

Previouslies: Everyone met in the apartments for the first time, Malan is from Taiwan, Keith wins, Jeffrey is a snob with retarded body art, Vincent's a looney toon, and Stacey goes home in her blue halter top.

Okay! On to episode two!

There was some minor lamenting about Stacey going home, particularly by Angela while she was in the bathroom plucking her eyebrows. Somehow I didn't really get the feeling that she was all broken up inside about it. Weird, huh?

So, we go through the song and dance of picking the models. (Who, by the way, seem not as pretty, thin or tall as the models of the previous seasons. Is that just me being a bitchy couch potato?) Then Heidi gives them the challenge: design an evening gown for Miss USA to wear at the Miss Universe pageant!! At this point, I wanted them to cut to the shot of Kayne peeing his pants with excitement, because he obviously did.

Back in the workroom, Tim and Miss USA give them the lowdown: they will pitch designs, Ms. USA will pick team leaders who will pick their companion for the Challenge a Deux. Her Highness would like an earth toned gown (no white!!) and no plunging necklines. Pencils at the ready? SKETCH!

During the pitching process, poor Miss USA was subjected to some seriously bizarro behavior. Keith, who totally had immunity was all, "I vant to see your legssss!! I looooveee legssss!" while close-talking her out of the camera shot. Miss USA looked like she was about to break out her date rape whistle and go postal on his ass.

Then Angela, who was too busy schnerring her way on to Kayne's team (or so she thought!!) to sketch anything tried to play Spanish Inquisition. Miss USA did not look amused. (Hey, Angela, why don't you just break out one of your EEveee. Sant. Looorant. dress designs? Yeah, that's right, you pronounce it wrong and I doubt anyone really thought your artsy crafty stuff looks like Tom Ford or Stefano Pilati. Stuff it.)

Teams are formed and they shop for fabrics. Poor Crazy Pants Vincent gets stuck with Angela, otherwise, the teams all look pretty solid.

Kayne and Robert immediately hit it off and buy a shimmery purple organza. Robert looks skeptical, but defers to Kayne's keen Jedi mind trick, "Tara will love it. You don't need to see his papers." Due to their fabulosity and tank tops, they will hereinafter be refered to as Team Too Gay to Function (2G2F). Except of course they do and they are AWESOME! I love their energy and witty banter with Tim.

Back at the Sweatshop, Malan and Katherine start to work on Malan's vision. Katherine is mumbling about how great Malan is while he has an interview where he plumbs the depths of his soul about his Wicked Witch of the West mother. I will dub them Team Freud. Talk about a screwed up Elektra/Oedipal Complex!

Jeffrey and Allison virtually never appear in this episode....so they are Team Invisible. Uli and Bonnie don't rate a whole lot of scenes either. We'll call them Team Invisible the Redux.

Laura and Michael work away, but don't get much airtime in the Sweatshop scenes. However, due to Laura's perpetually slicked back hair (which only accentuates her oddly shaped head and the fact that she is so flat chested, walls everywhere are jealous) and Michael's neo-preppy look, I call them Team Classically Cueball.

Most of the airtime is devoted to Crazy Pants Vincent and Bitchy Pants Angela who bicker over the design of the dress, and the fact that Angela is a freakizoid and Vincent's on crack. Tim looks distressed and seriously puts the smackdown on them in his blog. Ohhh, burn!

After some awkward product placements and a hair and makeup montage, it's runway time!!

I thought that the best dresses were:

• Keith (who also totally looks like Hugh Laurie in House, but a younger-pre-Vicodin-bender and without the funny quips version) and Bradley's, although I didn't think it was very pageant-y.
• Team Invisible the Redux, even though it was a little too free-fall in the boob area. Donald Trump would have liked it though (I think he judges these....) Also, guest judge Vera Wang gave them her ultimate compliment of being "modern" (also, love Wang's new line, but waaayy losing interest in her bridal gowns.)
• Team Classically Cueball: loved the sparkles and the body-clingy-ness (shows off that 'athleticism' those pageant judges are always looking for) but it was a little boring and pretty close to white. PS What was up with black lace thing? Laura looked like she was wearing Britney Spears' castoffs. I don't think that the other Collegiate moms want to see that.

The worst:

• Team Freud showed up with their self-awareness and the ruching to end all ruchings. The dress looked like it was made out of bark. Their model looked like the tree version of those barnacled dead people in Pirates of the Caribbean. Also, Malan made the unfortunate mistake of insulting his model's rack. Ouch. I give him kudos for taking responsibility though. Backstage, after he gets the axe, he weeps about the shame of being kicked off and his mommy issues. I wonder if Bravo will cough up for therapy after this...
• Team Invisible the Original showed a totally weird dress that would get Miss USA laughed at in like 40 different languages. I get the point Jeffrey, you're different, you hate everyone else, and you love having toxic inks drilled into your flesh. I'm kind of annoyed that they weren't drilled for their disdain for the point of the challenge but whatever.
• Team Bitchy-Crazy Pants took most of the heat on the runway. I didn't think the dress would be that bad without the little wingy-things, but it was fairly whatever. I wish they had sent Angela and her hot-pink-skirt-with-patterned-tights ass home, but it wouldn't have really been fair. Oh, yeah, FYI Angela, that look went out in 1994.

And now...the winners...TEAM 2G2T, KAYNE AND ROBERT!!!! I personally didn't love the dress even though it has the jewelry-as-a-part-of-the-outfit thing going on, but I knew it would appeal to Miss USA and was really perfect for her. Very pageant-y, but not over the top and was fairly original.

I was really happy for Kayne because, even if he is out in the next challenge, he can go home to the middle of the country and have lots of pageant clients based on this dress alone. And that makes me happy for him, (Christ, I need a spot on the therapist couch next to Malan) and I loved watching Kayne and Robert collaborate and be all cute when they faux-hit on Tim. Tim loved it too, I can tell.

As always, check out Tim's Take for the news straight from the source and Blogging Project Runway for all the latest news, gossip and polls and lots more recaps!

Blogger REFUSES to let me to publish photos today! Pooh on them!! Check out BPR for photos of the gowns.