The Only Thing I Want to Put On in XXL

I think we may have a winner!

For those who haven't been following my internal Goldilocks-esque monologue about my search for the perfect mascara, I'll sum it up for you: nothing has been that great, even the expensive ones.

Yeah, that about covers my feelings about mascaras I've tried this year.

I was lamenting to a co-worker not two weeks ago about the trials and tribulations I go through to get my lashes to look good, most recently involving plunking down enough money to cover dinner for two (well, not in DC, but maybe somewhere) and having it look like Tammy Faye revisited.

She heartily endorsed her mascara of choice, Maybelline XXL Volume + Length. She even pulled out the tube to show me.

I hightailed it to Target when I got the chance and picked up a tube. The basic premise is that you coat your lashes with the white primer first, which adds visible length to the lashes in a very Twiggy-mod way. Then you coat on the regular black mascara. It's even labeled Step 1 and Step 2 for dummies like me.

I got long slender dark lashes. They reach practically to my eyebrows! Plus, one coat of Step 2 is pretty for day and two coats of the black makes it dark enough for nighttime sexy eyes.

My first reservation was that how could it not be clumpy when you put that much stuff on your lashes? But it isn't! Zero clumps. That is impressive stuff, Jack.

My second was, as a contact lens wearer, won't this make me go blind? But it didn't! Can still see and everything. Righteous.

And third, will it comes off when I need it to? Well, that's where things took a little turn for the worse. My trusty Almay pads wipe away most of it, but it still leaves a little ring for the next morning.

So it's not perfect. Not like, buy out all the stock in the store and somehow convince someone introduce legislation requiring Maybelline to continue making it perfect. (These are, by the way, things I would totally do if I found The One and Only Mascara For Me)

But good enough that I would buy it again. Maybe even more than once. And still be able to grab a latte.

Project Runway: Transformations

Sorry this is so ridonculously belated. It happens, you know?

Ok, so we open with everyone being very sad that America's favorite cream-puff of a designer was booted from the show. Seriously, you would think that it was Darfur in here the way Sweet P and Ricky turn on the waterworks at the mere mention of Chris's name.

But Heidi is ready to deliver the challenge, and the challenge is...you have to design for people who have lost a ton of weight!! But are still not whippet-model-thin! And you just use their favorite outfits to make a new outfit!

I actually thought this was quite creative for a challenge. Not only are these women not overgrown clothes hangers, the challenge is more restricted than last season's design for someone else's mom, leading to less nebulosity and emotional turmoil.

The major twist here is that one woman is standing there in her ginormous shiny white white wedding dress. And for those of you who still believe that reality TV is really real, Stephen gets picked to design for her. Congratulations! You don't even have to design anything, you are going home.

So off they go to the workroom to read a sappy note from the dearly departed Chris (seriously! people! He's not dead! Suck it up!) and to confab with their "models." They each get $10 to shop at Mood where Stephen picks out the drabbest of drab black jersey and buys like 8 yards since he refuses to work with the wedding dress. Don't let the door hit you on your ass on the way out!

Meanwhile, in personal problems land, we find out, due to his facial edema, that Jack has a little case of the MRSAs. And, as we all know, MRSA is uber-trendy right now. Way to be topical, Project Runway! After a phone call with his doc, Jack announces that he will be leaving the show. I'm not quite sure why a little vanco wouldn't have done the trick, but whatev.

Ever the clever producers, to "keep the level of competition high," (re: we want a full goddamn season out of these people and one frickin drug resistant bacteria will not keep us from our writer's strike enhanced ratings!) they bring back Chris! Like Lazarus rising from the grave or Britney from a night of hard partying, Chris slinks in and gets to work. Producing...a sailor costume! I mean, everyday outfit.

But how awesome is the scene of him just beached on the couch? Pretty awesome.

So up to the runway they go, with Steven running with his glue trying to cobble together something for the judges to make fun of.

Most of the designers managed to have something decent walking down on the newly slimmed down women. Rami made a twisted tank top with denim skirt, Victorya made some kind of green velvet dress, and Sweet P managed to turn out a cute jersey dress with a cute trim. Capri jeans ruled the day, showing up in Ricky's slightly mall-queen outfit, but it wasn't bad enough to sink to Steven levels and he was saved.

Ruling the roost was Christian, who finally got his due. He won the competition by turning out an outfit that met all of his model's restrictions (black, jeans, black top, jeans, and oh, maybe a black top?) but it was still cute, fun and flattering. I thought the kid was about to pee his pants he was so excited to win.

Joey Faketone got to do the Christian-crestfallen look this time, after sending his cute as a button blonde model with a sunny yellow bustier and black leggings. I am totally with Michael Kors on declaring a moratorium on the leggings. It's enough already. I get that they are easy to sew, but enough is enough.

Kit didn't get recognized on the runway, but I thought her dress was just adorable. See:

So cute!

Onto Jillian, who totally gets on my nerves. I really don't like her little soft voice and measured tones with her hideous accent. And I'm annoyed that she somehow got away with not using ANY of her model's real clothes. Not okay with that. Frizzy-haired girl? You are on notice.

Elisa made one of her awful dresses. But the major crime? Putting her model in these boots! WTF? No one would look good in these. EVER.

Ah, Steven. It was almost too predictable that you would make something that UNBELIEVABLY ugly and get sent home. But honestly? I know nuns who would wear something sexier than that.

And the fact that he stood there and poo-pooed her wedding dress in front of her just made me want to cry. It was her FAVORITE dress. Her wedding dress!! And he had the nerve to stand there and say how distasteful the fabric was that he couldn't even do anything with it. If I were her, I would have sat on him.

I will spare Chris, the same way the judges did. He is clearly destined to return to wherever they send departed contestants soon. Costumes do not a happy Nina make.

Coming up! More sewing! In case you didn't know...

As always...check yourself at Blogging Project Runway, but don't wreck yourself. Plus! I hear that the Tim's Take is on like Kong!

Ask CapHillBarbie: Holiday Fete Edition

Hello, and welcome to another exciting edition of Ask CapHillBarbie! This is a portion of our programming where I invent a question and answer myself as a way of interrupting my usual stream of consciousness posting.

On with it, eh?

CapHillBarbie,

I am at a total loss this year. This is my first year on my own with a real job and a boyfriend who has a real job, and we have been invited to at least three different holiday parties with differing dress codes. Help me! I don't know what to wear to any of them!!

Love and kisses, Standing around in my Underwear Looking at my Closet.

Ah, Standing. I understand completely about the first year in the real world where people actually expect you to show up at a holiday party and make small talk about the situation in Darfur, as opposed to getting assfaced on Christmas Tree Jello Jigglers and smooshing your tongue all over someone under what you thought was mistletoe, but was really just a dust bunny.

Holiday parties tend to fall into three general categories: the work function which takes place during the day and no alcohol is served, the cocktail party in the evening, and the formal affair. I will tackle each in order of fanciness.

THE DAYTIME WORK FUNCTION

If you work for the government, this might be the function you attend. It can entail lunch, afternoon snacks, or what have you, but the general theme is that you will have been, or are expected to be, working for at least part of the day, and there is no liquor.

Therefore, since you will be working part of the time, you must dress for work, but I feel that it's ok to take it down a notch. Notice I said A NOTCH. This is not the time to break out your jeans and Uggs or show up in a thigh high mini that would make Ann Coulter blush.

Appropriate for this would be, a sweater dress with knee high boots, nice pants worn with a casual top, or, if you must wear jeans, make them dark and tailored. And pair them with something dressier on top.

Dressier...not sluttier. Seriously people, it's your office, not a bordello.

Keep in mind when picking an outfit that these are your colleagues and, due to the lack of drinky-drinks, they will remember if you bend over to pick up a mini quiche and your shirt is cut so low they can tell if you wear an underwire.

THE COCKTAIL PARTY

The party of choice for most law firms and other assorted offices that operate to earn a profit. This often takes place either at the office, but after normal work hours, or at a restaurant. Food is served, and so are drinks, but you are not expected to make a night of it. If you are going straight from work, pull one of those things that Glamour is always talking about. Wear a nice skirt or pants, a camisole and a jacket. Then take off the jacket.

If you have a chance to go home first, change into something that you might wear to a fancy dinner with your parents. Re: fun, dressy, but nothing crazy fancy.

For these functions, I'm a huge fan of a sheath dress with a sick pair of shoes. Especially if I am attending as a guest and this isn't my own work party. Everyone complements you on your shoes.

THE FORMAL AFFAIR

This is the time to pull out all the stops. These are relatively rare, so live it up. Often held on a Friday or Saturday night, as opposed to a weeknight, so you have lots of time to prep. If you happen to think you may be invited to one of these, make sure you have a no-fail formal dress in your closet. And the one you wore to prom or to that semi-formal you went to in college or grad school will not cut it.

However, even though the invitation may say formal, please only wear long gowns if you know that this is like a Ball or the President is going to be there or something.

Also, this becomes a major issue at holiday time due to the weather but I want to say this loud and clear.

Do not. Under any circumstances. Wear open toed shoes. With stockings.

Nope.

Not ever.

I don't care.

No.

I've heard all the excuses and they suck. Look, if you want to wear open toed shoes in the winter, you suck it up and freeze like the rest of us. If the event or the people attending are so conservative that you MUST wear stockings, you wear black sheer and with CLOSED TOE SHOES. End of story.

I'm sorry for the ALL CAPS. I just feel very strongly about this. I really think there is nothing worse than being out and seeing a beautiful girl in a pretty dress and then looking down to see her seam of her suntan hose sticking out of her strappy sandals.

Ok, so that's my primer on dressing for your holiday party needs.

Project Runway: Trendsetters

Ahhh, back again for another fun filled week of designer torture. On previouslies, Carmen was sent home for making pants with a crotch that no man could ever fill. Also, some people cried.

Back on the runway, I notice that Heidi is looking truly spectacular this season. Seriously, what has she been doing? Her hairdo looks phenomenal and her wardrobe is killer.

Oh, sorry. I'll stop.

So Heidi brings out the two losers from the past two weeks and Jack's model so he can chose if he wants to pick someone else or stay with this chick. He promptly decides to "swap" with Ricky. His model was deemed "sick" in the last challenge with girly parts, and in a field where the models are less than impressive, I don't blame Jack for wanting to trade up.

When he picks Ricky's girl with a gleeful look on his perfect face, biceps all a twitch, Ricky confesses to an offscreen shot, that Jack has now shown his true colors. Like what? As someone who wants to win? This is loser talk of the highest order.

Onward.

Back in the workroom, Tim is there with Nina who is showing off past horrible trends that they must choose and modernize. Not only do they have to do this, they have to combine! Like Voltron! To form one cohesive collection of horribleness!

Honestly, what are the producers thinking? I feel like these challenges are just designed to showcase ugliness.

Teams form: Ricky, Victorya, and Elyssa have neon, cutouts, and underwear as outerwear. Sweet P, Steven, and Chris have shoulder pads, dancewear, and baggy sweater. Jillian, Raimi and Joey Faketone get overalls, 70's flare, and poodle skirt. And Christian, Kit, and Jack get zoot suit, fringe...and...something else...

Ok, so some of these, I'm like, that's out?? (Baggy sweater? Crap, I love those!) Others I'm like, that was a TREND? (cough, poodle skirt? WTF?) But basically everyone is screwed. Team leaders must be chosen, and of course people are chosen for all the wrong reasons, namely, the people who expect to win the competition stay quiet.

Also, does Christian speak with the voice of Paris Hilton for a reason? It's like watching Being John Malkovich when John Cusack has taken up residence in his head. Maybe he's possessed? They could have a PR exorcism! First, I must bless this workroom...

Anyhoo, the sewing scenes are predictably stressful with leaders like Ricky clearly getting run over by Victorya, although keeping Elissa in line did seem like a full time job. Jillian did a lot of whining in her terrible horrible no good Long Island accent about Joey F's tardiness with her hot pants. Ugh! And there was a particularly treacherous moment where Steven did a super-poor imitation of Tim Gunn. Hey, Steven. Stop. No, seriously, stop. It's not even close. And way to rehash Santino from Season 2. No, I'm not kidding. Don't go there.

Speaking of the Gunn-meister, he showed up and quips hilariously that Jillian's team is making a whole bunch of outfits for her, which is totally true. He also tells Chris to lose the flocked damask jacket (foreshadow...)

On the runway, the judges instantly tell Jillian's team that they win, provoking much jubilation, but also crestfallen looks from Christian, who is convinced in every single challenge that he will win. Stoic is not a word in his vocabulary. Or Paris's. But they are in.

The loser teams are Ricky's and Chris's. Ricky gets blasted for his shiny shiny material, crappy fit and loser talk...re: bad leadership. Victorya walks all over him on the runway, leaving a bad taste in my mouth about someone I previously liked. His designs do look a lot like the old wardrobe from the Joker in the Batman movies. Also, I'm wasn't as keen on Elissa's design as everyone else seemed to be. But, I guess when you set the bar crazy, it's not hard to move up.




Chris's team had a lot of beige going on. Well, except for Steven's butter colored shiny monstrosity. Honestly, I would have booted him and his poor impressions, but alas, the shoulder padded jacket prompted the kiss of death from Michael Kors....mother of the bride. I mean, Steven had dancewear!! In front of Donna Karan! And showed that thing! And got to stay! Lesson learned? Never be a team leader. Ever.

Sweet P's sweater dress escaped ridicule, but her wishywashyness when serving up a team member for the chopping block did not go unnoticed. Heidi snapped her to attention with her Germanic zeal!

So, Chris was told to pack up his flowery shirts and hit the road. Yes, wheat being separated from chaff, people. Let me predict that the next three to go will be Steven, Ricky, and Elissa. I'm just throwing it out there.

Also, next week...Jack's big controversial exit! Oh, and holy schadenfraudeness! Dale from Top Chef and Jack are DATING!

As always...check out Blogging Project Runway for a much more complete and balanced take than I will ever be able to provide.

Not so Hypnotic

I was recently put in a wonderful situation of having a gift card to Bloomingdale's burning a hole in my pocket.

As I set out to spend it, I contemplated my options:

Yet another lip gloss? Nah, I'm more into my PS Kiss right now.

Blush? I think I'm pretty set with that.

Concealer or base? Too depressing and expensive, respectively.

Primer? Eh, I actually like to see the stuff I pay to put on my face.

Mascara? Well, there an idea...

Reaching the end of the three month run of Maybelline Full N Soft, I was tempted. While I liked the Full N Soft, a recommendation from my equally beauty savvy sister, I was in a decadent mood. I sauntered over to the Lancome counter to splurge on one of their famed mascaras.

I consulted with the saleslady who informed me that unfortunately, precious few of the mascaras come in a waterproof variety, which is a must for me as a contact lens wearer/habitual eye rubber. She recommended her favorite, Hypnose, which does come in a waterproof formula. After continued negotiations, I settled on trying the newest formula, albeit non-proofed, Courbe Virtuose.

I envisioned dramatically curled and lush lashes all the way home, only to arrive and find that I had purchased the Hypnose!

Dang it.

I can only assume that there was some kind of communication mix up and this wasn't some kind of beauty propaganda spreading, and I decided to just try it out.

Well, yeah, I'm not a fan. The brush is this totally bizarre oblongish shape which never seems to deliver the right amount of product onto the lash. The formula is thick and goopy, requiring multiple wipes with a tissue before I can apply. And then! My lashes look practically rail thin! Not the full fringe I was hoping for.

And to top it all off, it dries so hard that my lashes feel like little spikes of pain. It makes me long for the Full N Soft of yore.

So, onward to the next mascara purchase. A co-worker just raved about her Maybelline XXL Volume + Length, so I may have to give that one a try.

Such a shame that a pretty (and expensive!) tube would be so sucky.

photo courtesy of lancome-usa.com

It's been a long morning already

So apparently going to a concert on a school night has left me more discombobulated than expected.

I just went to the ladies room to discover that while I artfully applied tinted moisturizer, two blushes, eyeshadow, concealer, and curled my lashes, I forgot to put on mascara.

And I was even planning a review of said mascara for later today.

Gives you a little preview about how I feel...

Anyways, don't laugh at my weird lashless look today. It could happen to you to some day!

Project Runway: Fashion Giant

This episode was billed as the MOST DIFFICULT CHALLENGE EVER!!!!

And, honestly, I don't think they oversold it. Well, yes, they totally did, but towards those last few minutes when Tim was chiding Carmen and Sweet P to get their asses on the runway, I was getting a little edgy.

So, after Heidi delivers the challenge, the designers take a field trip to 10 Rockerfeller Plaza, home to oh so many GE subsidiaries. And standing there is...Tiki Barber!! Star running back for the Giants until retiring last year to report on sob story segments for the Today Show.

And the only person that they let comment on that was Joey Faketone, in order to solidify his straight-man status.

Also, at this point, my die hard Redskins fan fiancee who was watching with me blurts out, "Uh, Tiki is such a bitch. I hate the Giants." And then retreated to the bedroom to read.

He was back for the judging though....

So the challenge is this: Design an outfit for Tiki to wear on the Today Show, but keep in mind that the man's got a booty and a thick neck. And he likes dark colors. And details. (Thanks Joey F.)

So all the designers proceed to flip out since almost none have done menswear and it is significantly more difficult than womenswear.

The typical bitch and stitch segments were broken up by some extra special stress hilarity! First, we watch as Christian gets toted into the workroom by He-Man Jack in both an actual totebag and then piggyback. He's like a little doll!

Then we watch the claws come out when Jack dismembers his own shorts to make a pattern for his pants, and then let others copy the pattern for their own, a move many felt had shades of cheating.

And then! When the male models showed up, you would think that the designers had been in the all-female Navy or something the way that the all started drooling over the rippling man muscles and flowing shiny hair. All except Joey Fake (because he's STRAIGHT, y'all) and Elissa, who apparently considers fitting clothes on a man tantamount to swapping bodily fluids.

So, with much discarding of best laid plans, all the designers make it to the runway, although there was some busted up stuff on those walking mansicles.

Only moderately busted:

Raimi, whose khaki jacket, button down and dark pants made a sleek casual weekend look. Actually, this was one of my favorites, but I can understand that it may have been too casual for the challenge.



Christian, whose asymmetric camel sweater outfit I thought was a little odd, but my fiance deemed it "wearable."



Jillian's dark three piece suit was nice, tailored, and appropriate. But honestly, I have a real problem with the white collar-blue shirt look. There is a special place in shirt hell for those things.

beam me up Scotty!!

Chris sent down an outfit that I honestly loathed. I thought the jacket looked like something up for auction from the Star Trek set. But the judges had bigger fish to fry.

Victorya seemed to ignore the dark color mandate and sent a white jacket prancing down. Whatever, she's immune.



Steven. Oh man. How did this escape the scathing crotch comments?? Did anyone take a good look at these high waisted pants? Seriously? Ugh. And what's with the scarf? Is he trying to hide Tiki's man-neck? Poor form!



Elissa's model looked like an escapee from a mental health seminar. One where you all repeat overly wordy platitudes out loud and probably end up drinking some freaky Kool-Aid. At least there weren't any visible spit marks.



Most Busted!



Oh man.



Sweet P's shirt came out weird twice. I guess she doesn't look like she would be the next Thomas Pink or anything, but at least I give her credit for being honest about what happened and at least styling it artfully on the runway.



Ricky, sporting a Confederate soldier hat, weeping profusely about his pinned together garment was spared. At least his crotch was proportionate. I guess the South did rise again.



Okay, Carmen. WTF??? Make a shirt! A T-shirt! Anything! And Kors was right. That crotch was all kinds of crazy. It was nice knowing you.



All Kinds of NOT Busted.



Joey Faketone made a hot looking three piece look with a purple shirt and vest. For some reason, Heidi is revolted by the idea of her husband, Seal, in purple. Huh? I think purple can look great on men. Oh well, I think a lot of people, including Joey, thought that he would win, but alas, it was not to be. I thought Tiki would be just mesmerized by the pocket square. I mean, who wouldn't be?!?



Kit Pistol got the shaft in this one. I'm sorry. No offense to Jack, but I thought her outfit was really nice. A navy fleece blazer with those double vents to allow Tiki's butt to breathe or something, khaki pants, and a classic white shirt. I really liked this outfit. I may actually find similar things and dress my fiance up in this outfit.



But, Kit lost out to Jack and his short-stealing ways. Granted, the dark pants and tailored shirt were made infinitely more interesting by the details on the shirt, but I feel like he abandoned so much that the look was kind of blah. However, I don't mind having Jack around for longer...maybe we'll get to see him bench press Christian.



I can't say it enough...Blogging Project Runway tides you over til next week!

Let's lay down some ground rules, shall we?

Yesterday, as I walked down the metro platform on my way to work I noticed a girl about my age walking towards me.

Heavy coat.

Generic office work clothes.

Peep toe shoes.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Peep toe shoes. No tights. Just bare toes.

Let me just say this as a caveat, I'm not a huge fan of hard and fast rules, but here's one I'm going to put out there.

No bare toes for daytime after, say, Halloween.

But as my 8th grade math teacher taught me, there are exceptions to every rule.

Unless you live in a place where the temperature never drops below 45 degrees.

Or, it's an evening function where you break out the good jewelry and strappy sandals are a must.

But otherwise, put your toes away!!

Project Runway: Money Changes Everything

Let me start by saying that my viewing of this episode started on a low note, having baked two pies, six sweet potatoes and eaten at least three dozen marshmallows intended for the top of aforementioned sweet potatoes. And Gossip Girl was a rerun.





And then I passed out while watching the judging.





But never fear!! I Tivo in addition to watching live.



So, we start off this episode with the typical wakey-wakey shots in the luxury digs and the designers head out to meet the second challenge.



At the runway, Heidi tells the designers that they will be designing for an icon. They all look suitably excited. They head back to the workroom where Tim tells them that their icon is....SARAH JESSICA PARKER!!!!



Then the room erupts like it's the second coming of Jesus Christ himself.



Seriously, I haven't seen hyperventilating and weeping with joy like this since bloggers got ahold of the Mark Foley IM transcripts.



Once it finally quiets down, SJP explains that she has a line for Steve and Barry stores called Bitten, and it's for the everyday woman and it's super cheap. Like, you only get to use the change you can find in your pockets to buy fabric cheap. (Ok, fine, $15. But honestly? I could blow that at Starbucks in like an hour. Not enough for a whole outfit.)



But first, they must sketch and present, which is always the funniest part of any episode. Chris totally pulls a brainfart and goes mute with tears in his eyes. Many people want to touch SJP. Joey Faketone leaves her handshake hanging....ouch! It's clear who she is going to chose as team leaders...and they are...Raimi, Christian, Victorya, Marion, Kit Pistol, Ricky and Elissa.



Wait.



Huh?



Oh yeah, Elissa got picked. I feel that this was some colossal joke on who ever had to be on her team in an effort to get that person kicked out. Because there is no way a reality TV gem like Elissa is getting kicked out.



Oh, and ps, on FashionGateWatch...Ricky is sporting a fishnet Village People hat AND a trucker hat. Also, Carmen's sleeves threaten to knock models off the runway and take over the universe.



So, they pick teams and Sweet P gets the shaft and has to work with Elissa. Because she already told the camera that she wants to be on a good team. Sucker!



They all shop and scrimp, then it's back to the workroom where Elissa spit marks her fabric. Oh, did anyone miss that? SPIT. Like saliva. On her fabric. That someone else was going to wear.



Can I get an EWWWW?



Other than that, the sewing scenes were rather boring. The real drama came on the runway!



First, Ricky and Jack created a magenta peasanty looking dress. Looks cute and nice and all, but nothing spectacular.



Raimi and Jillian produce a shirtdress tunicey thing over leggings. Also, passable, not blowing my footless tights off though.



Kit and Chris make another tunic type garment over leggings. Theirs is cut snugger and shorter. Very cute on the model, not so super cute on a nongamine, but they earn a pass.



Elissa and Sweet P produce a cape and jersey dress. Both are interesting, but seriously, why do fashion people always want us to wear capes? Just let it go! It's weird! A poncho was as close as I got, and that was a little uncomfortable. Elissa insists on calling the dress polymorphic, which I understand, but it makes her sound totally bananas.



Christian and Carmen produce a teal tube dress and jacket which Christian, bless his heart, choking back tears in the face of criticism, insists that even the plus-est sized woman can wear his clingy dress and motorcycle jacket. Carmen also does a poor imitation of someone who cares when saying that Christian should get kicked out instead of her. I would have booted her right then and there.



However, the judges reserved that pleasure for Marion, who, on a team with Steven, who may or may not be a serial killer, created an enormous cape-y poncho (again! with the effing cape!) that made the model look like a really tall hairball. See ya...wouldn't want to be ya! Also, the "can I have some more?" Oliver Twist thing is really not a style choice I can get behind.



The winners? Clearly Victorya and Joey Faketone, who produced a sweet little tie neck trapeze dress and plaid vest with a racerback. You can pick it up at a Steve and Barry store near you. I would, but I have no idea what this store even is.



So...another mildly memorable contestant bites the dust....



Give me some more Elissa insanity! That chick is looney!!



As always, Blogging Project Runway for all the scoop and speculation about the next episode. The HARDEST CHALLENGE...wait for it....not yet...EVER!!!!

Project Runway: Sew Us What You've Got

Oh. Thank god. It's back.


Of course I mean that the little geniuses who run Bravo have rounded up a questionably talented yet unquestionably insane pack of designers to entertain us through another season of delightful reality television!


Yay!


I'm so excited that I am choosing to ignore all conflicts that my Tivo is currently facing on Wednesday nights.


I will also ignore the fact that the producers at Bravo have meanly NOT provided us with a "Road to the Runway" episode where we get to mock all the rejects along with Tim Gunn on his road trip with the greatest hits from past seasons and harpies from Elle Magazine. Damn you!!



So, instead, we are introduced to this season's contestants as they meet each other, "Real World"-style in the generic "luxury" apartment buildings which are currently giving cockroaches and Starbucks a run for their money when it comes to taking over Manhattan.



The challenge this week was to do the 50 yard dash across Bryant Park (no time to stretch first? WTF?) grab some of the gagillion dollars worth of fabric furnished by Mood and make a dress that exemplifies "your" style.


Run, designers, run!


Okay, as always, with the beginning of any reality show, I can never keep all the contestants straight, but here goes!




Let's start with Christian, the little wannabe Brit wunderkind, because I think he would like that. He is oh so carefully hipster styled in his asymmetric hair and braggart ways, but the kid delivered. Honestly, I didn't love his piece on the runway, and I really didn't like it when he back talked to Tim Gunn, but upon second look, the piece strikes me as a Burberry outfit gone cool. I like it more the more I look at it. I also liked his clear disappointment in not winning the challenge. I guess they don't teach stoicism at his fancy London design school.



The uber-pale quartet: Steven, Kit Pistol, Sweet P and Marion. Yawn. Oh and by the way, "Kit Pistol," it's called a pseudonym. Not a "Mark Twain." The viewers of Project Runway are not idiots. You can use big words around us, it's not the Fox Business Channel or anything.



Jillian seems mostly normal, smartly choosing a bold color and using that to enhance a rather simple dress.

Carmen A. Webber, as she likes to be called, seems to think that being a good model makes you a good designer. Having seen what Marc Jacobs looked like pre-post-rehab-workout binge allows me to be to beg to differ. Also, what is up with the puff sleeve jackets?? She's wearing one in every frame, she makes one for her model and is shown making ANOTHER in the previews!! Maybe she is one really just of Clinton Portis's characters. She gets the Angela Death by Fleurchon Award for this episode.





Chris is probably the most interesting character to me right now. He is a costume designer, and sort of falls in the Kayne-uh-oh-a-non-fashion-designer-designer mold, but he turned out a beautiful, theatrical gown that wasn't costumey at all. I'm eager to see what else he produces.





Ricky. Poor poor Ricky. Cried in his interview about what he does (lingerie designer). Seems to have an entire wardrobe of Village People hats and sent a garment down the runway that looked like it could have been found on a rack at Forever 21. Re: not really really bad (we'll get to that in a minute...Elisa!) but certainly not good.





Jack looks like the most symmetrical man on earth. So classically handsome. Looks like he's got some controversy in the future. His dress won runner up for my dress-I-would-actually-want-to-wear contest.





Kevin...does this guy look like Joey Fatone or what? I mean, talk about your built in Halloween costumes! Wow, I'm calling him Joey Faketone from now on.






Victorya is definitely one of my favorites. She seems low-key and she turned out a pretty, feminine cocktail dress that didn't look like a total rehash of every other trend I've ever seen. I loved the look of the arm bands, but I agree with Monsieur Orange, no hailing cabs. Well...that's what men are for...





As for Rami, well, you could tell he was going to win this challenge from minute one. I mean the one where Tim walked in and said, "Stunning." Serious contender in this one unless he implodes or bores Nina with the same outfit six weeks in a row.


And that brings me to Elisa and Simone. Unfortunately for Simone, while her outfit was boring, simple and looked like it had been sewn by a three year old on meth, she was up against Elisa who was clearly NOT about to get kicked off. She has her own theme music! Already! Elisa is clearly the whack-job of the show and will remain firmly entrenched as better designers get kicked out for lesser offenses because she reminds people why lithium was invented.


She also kind of reminds me of John Cusack's character in "Being John Malkovich" with the marionette puppets. Anyone else?


Also, this was a special episode for me as Monique Lhuillier was the guest judge. I picked out one of her designs to wear to my own wedding!


As always, please check in with the wonderful folks at Blogging Project Runway for all the scoop and see you for a recap on Turkey Day!

photos courtesy of bravo.com

Wickedly Wonderful

I am up in New York for the week, trying to get the most amount of wedding planning accomplished in the shortest amount of time.

Of course, I am also trying to squeeze in a few recon beauty missions to the Big Three under the guise of looking for wedding shoes...

So the first thing I did when I hit the streets was to indulge in one of the greatest New York pastimes.

No, not giving the wrong directions to confused tourists...

I got a cheapie manicure.

In oh-so-super-duper trendy Essie Wicked.

Wicked is a dark plummy red, as opposed to my current dark polish favorite, Sephora No. 11, which is a much brickier red.

I'm really liking the color on my skin tone, but as also with dark nails, they must be kept super short and not chipped, lest you look like a low maintenance vampiress after her Thanksgiving meal.

Now I can sit and admire my nails while flipping through invitation books and pretending I understand all the nuances of the different fonts...

photo courtesy of amazon.com

Eat, Drink and Be Gorgeous!

I recently received a copy of nutritionist Esther Blum's new tome, "Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous." Let's just say I was delighted to have something to read that doesn't have line numbers next to every sentence or begin with the words, "Thank you, Mister Chairman, for the opportunity to testify before your Committee..."

My own personal lameness aside, the book is very cute. And I am not just speaking of the hot pink cover.

As a trained nutritionist, Blum discusses the importance of eating a healthy balanced diet and taking care of oneself in the search of looking and feeling your best.

One of the best parts about the book is her acknowledgement that you are not going to eat all organic all the time, or have unrealistic expectations of you giving up all dairy, carbs and alcohol like some diet gurus (cough, David Kirsch, cough). She understands that there will be nights when your diet consists solely of many many Bud Lights and a Zone bar. She talks about how to make the best of those situations and recover wisely.

I also got the chance to interview Esther about her book and a little bit about some of her favorite beauty tips and tricks:

You talk a lot in the book about the importance of eating a healthy, balanced diet. You also, correctly, pointed out that peanut M&Ms are vastly superior to plain. What is your favorite splurge food?





Foie gras on toast points with a good martini. Ain't nothing better!





I also appreciated your chapter on drinking and the effects it can have on your body (hopefully not just finding it in some English basement with that random staff ass from Dirksen). If you are trying to be tame at a work event, what is the best drink for keeping your wits about you and not breaking the caloric bank?





The best drink for keeping your wits about you is one that is consumed very slowly. Everybody's poison is different, but in the end its usually about quantity more than quality. Obviously you will need to steer clear of the Jaegermeister, and stick to something tried and true. Also be sure to show up to the party having eaten a snack beforehand so you've got some food in your belly to sop up the alcohol.





In the book, you talked a lot about the importance of dietary supplements. Considering that, post-DSHEA, most dietary supplements are not regulated for quality control or potency, how would you recommend that someone following your advice decide on brands and which supplements to take?





To really be sure of the quality behind your supplements, its a great idea to work with a nutritionist or nutritionally oriented-physician. Practitioners spend a great deal of time doing research so you don't have to, and by doing so they take the guesswork out of choosing supplements. Plus, supplements sold to practitioners are usually only available through practitioners and represent a higher standard of a regulated product.





You did talk a little bit about some of the interactions between supplements, what about reactions between supplements and prescription meds?





Another great reason to take supplements under the supervision of a practitioner. When in doubt, ask your doctor or the person who prescribed your supplements about drug-nutrient interactions. That's why you're paying them, right?





You also discuss the importance of focusing your time and money on buying certain fruits and vegetables that are organic, namely, those that get sprayed with the most pesticides. Are there any other products you would encourage people to focus on buying organic?





Dairy, meats, and skin care products. The skin is the largest organ in the body, and we absorb what is put on the skin into the bloodstream. So go for organic products, which are kindler and gentler to the body. Dairy and meat are also essential organics, as the animals are cleaner. Commercially-fed beef is often fed animal byproducts which in turn increases the risk of mad cow disease. Organically-raised animals don't have that problem.





If there was one issue you could get all the staffers and constituents who read this blog to advocate to the members of Congress, what would it be?





Increase your recommendations for Vitamin D!! Again, this is a case where misinformation is doing great harm to our population and leaving behind a legacy of diabetes, autism, and asthma as a result.





Ok, on to beauty...





What are the five beauty products you would take to a desert island?





Ooooh, I've always wanted to be asked this question!! Vincent Longo undereye concealer, NV Perricone Active tinted moisturizer, eyebrow tweezers, L'Occitane hand creme, and Devachan Angell.





What shampoo and conditioner do you use?





I haven't washed my hair in about 10 years!! I'm a curly girl so I scrub my scalp and locks with Devachan One Condition (conditioner). My curls have never looked better and my scalp passes the clean sniff test every time.





Is there a beauty product that you use that is so totally wacky that you almost don't want to cop to using?





This is probably more mainstream than wacky, but I'm a firm believer in ladyscaping, so I keep my lady shaver on hand for times of unruliness. And I'm an Aquaphor whore! It's great for my lips, cuticles, and dry heels.





What was your first lip gloss?





Bonnie Bell peppermint lip smacker. It was on a rope so I sported it around my neck!





If you had to pick one makeup brand to shop at for the rest of your life, what would it be?





I like to sleep around ... to limit my options would be a sad, sad day! I do love Chanel, Bobbi Brown, and Stila, as I'm not a total commitment-phobe.





Who is your biggest beauty/fashion influence?





Being a Virgo, I've always believed that less is more, so I'm inspired by designers with a very understated elegance. I believe that each outfit should have one focal point and not be trying to do too many things at once. Oscar De La Renta gowns are sublime, as are Carolina Herrera's. Both designers know how to work a woman's body and enable a woman to wear the gown; not the other way around.





Vogue or Elle?





Is it wrong to say In Style and Domino?





Marni or Dolce and Gabbana?





Luca Luca and Narcisco Rodriguez!





Project Runway or America's Next Top Model?





Oh definitely PR! Heidi is fabulous.





What is the most expensive product in your arsenal?





My bling. I have some amazing heirloom pieces and my wedding jewelry is designed by Karen Karch.





The least expensive?



I have a top that I literally bought for $4.99 on sale from H & M. It's so wrong that it's right!

Ooooh, I feel just like Charlie Rose. Except..well...not.

Go check out the book! I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Around the Clock at Beauty.com Shop

Wow, this is the coolest event that I won't be able to attend on Thursday.








AROUND the CLOCK BEAUTY.COM SHOP

From website to on-site, Beauty.com is bringing its virtual world of beauty to life in the heart of New York City with their first-ever Around the clock Beauty.com Shop.



Whether you’re on your way to work or coming home from a late night out, EVERYONE who walks through the door will get a “scoop” from an oversized beauty bin filled with thousands of must-have beauty products, all for FREE.



Consumers will also have unprecedented access to top beauty gurus including Ted Gibson, Frederick Fekkai and Peter Thomas Roth who will be stopping by to give one-on-one consultations.



And of course, Beauty.com’s team of experts will be on-hand to offer around the clock beauty tips and touch ups:

Morning: Wake Up Calls
Freshen Up – whiten your teeth and freshen your breath, two morning essentials
Complexion Perfection – fake the perfect complexion with concealer, foundation and luminizer

Afternoon: Pick Me Ups
Bright Eyes – look wide awake even if you feel like you’re going to crash
Color Revival– how to add a little color (bronzer and blush) to refresh your glow

Evening: Go Glam
Smoky Eye – get ready to go out on the town with a sexy, smoky eye
Red Lip – don’t be intimidated by this red hot look, learn how to find your perfect shade

Bedtime: Beauty Unwind
Eye Cream 101 – dab, don’t rub, learn the right way to apply eye creams and serums
Good Night Hand Massages – relax with a calming lavender hand massage


THE DEETS:


WHEN: 6:00AM – 10:00PM THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8TH

WHERE: 184 Fifth Avenue, between 22nd & 23rd Streets

Go for me! Save yourselves with free beauty swag!!!

Damn you, Central Processing!

Last Friday, feeling particularly low due to the torrential downpour (yes yes, I know we all needed the rain, but dammit, my shoes were ruined!) I decided to take an afternoon spin up to Nordstrom's to check out the latest entry in the Lancome Pout a Porter collection, PS Kiss for Peter Som.

I also really wanted to play with the iPhone, but Apple was having some kind of nerd party, so I didn't go in.

Now, considering the drubbing I took for shamelessly telling the world that I actually liked the Proenza Schouler lipstick in the zinc-oxide-pink, I was a little wary of trying anything this trendy-limited-edition-overhyped-expensive. But I started hearing rumblings of positive reviews from Blogdorf Goodman, the Beauty Addict, and All About the Pretty.

Normally I steer clear of dark lipstick shades, since it makes me feel a little like I'm walking down K Street. At night. On a Wednesday.

But, in the name of research I stalked the Lancome lady and begged her to let me try out the tester, since they were totally sold out.

It looked good on me. Definitely a wine color, but with a little extra brown. Requires a lot more maintence than my favorite glosses to make sure that it's in the lip line and even across my mouth. Not unlike the Robert Palmer girls from the Addicted to Love video, but interesting.

The surprise happened later, after the lipstick stayed on through an apple (mmmm, Honeykrisp apples, how I love thee). At dinner, a very tired fiance looked up at a frizzy haired me and stated, "You look really pretty today."

I asked, is it the lipstick? He took a second look (always careful, this one) and said, YES.

Since I knew that Nordstrom's was inconveniently sold out, I spent the weekend trying on other shades to see if they could reproduce the effect on said fiance, but no dice. On Sunday night I broke down and ordered it from the Nordstrom's website.

And now it sits...taunting me with it's "order in process" sneer despite my constant refreshing of the page. (Shocker, I know)

Ship it! Please! Pretty please??? My future marriage might depend on it!!

Just kidding. Maybe.

UPDATE!!! Ok, everyone, you may have said that Halloween miracles don't happen, but they do! I'm proof positive. At refresh #12,547 today, it told me that my lipstick was on it's way too me...This is better than the 8 tons of sugar that I ate today. Actually, that makes me feel a little queasy.

Huh???

Is anyone else continually baffled by this picture on the Trend Spotter section of the Washington Post?

Is this Suzanne D'Amato, hater of shorts and definer of trapeze dresses?

Is she jail bait?

Because if this is her, and she's not, then WaPo had better update their images STAT.

I feel like a creepy old man when I see this picture everywhere...

Just throwing it out there.

Baby Got Taken Back

In response to many comments...I did take back the evil pink nail polish.

In a flood of guilt about buying such an expensive product that was NO GOOD, I had my explanation about exactly why I needed to bring it back, complete with charts and diagrams, but the salesperson at Chanel was so distracted she did the transaction in a matter of seconds without a second glance.

I blame my Eastern European jewish mutt heritage for my guilt.

So now I have $20 to spend and no idea what to buy!

So, so wrong

I recently decided to go indulge myself in a Chanel nail polish color.

I typically stick to the Essie/OPI section, since they are (a) a lot cheaper, and (b) they have really good colors, and (c)they are a whole lot cheaper.

However, armed with my Bloomie's promotional gift card which was set to expire, I trotted off the the Chanel counter and forced the saleswoman to pull out all of the nail polishes so I could pick one.

I was debating between Ballerina and Pink Satin after deciding that Black Satin, the shiny black polish that caused blog-steria last year but is now totally available everywhere, was way too Goth for my day job and my skin tone.

Ballerina is a soft pink matte shade, very similar to Essie Mademoiselle or OPI Sweetheart, and Pink Satin was a baby pink color with silver sparkles.

Well, let's just say I chose poorly.

Pink Satin won the prize of getting toted home with me and discretely admired on the bus. With the little sparkles floating in the bottle, it looked like a baby lava lamp.

I did a home manicure when I got home and started realizing that I made a bad decision.

First of all, the polish is totally sheer. As in, almost a topcoat sheer. I put on two coats and I could still see straight down to anything that happened to be caught under my fingernail.

Second, the pink color on my fingers was a horrible shade of pink. Like Hello Kitty My First Nail Polish pink.

And third, the sparkles overwhelmed the color, making it look like I had little disco balls on my hands. I felt like I was going to a rave, not a markup, the next morning.

I wore it for a few days, fighting the urge to GET IT OFF ME, which was being screamed by every fiber in my being, but it didn't improve.

So, ladies and gentlemen, back to the store it goes. But now I'm at a loss...what to try next? I think I'm off nail polish, maybe I'll splurge on a pricey mascara recommended by the Beauty Addict in her new Encyclopedia of Mascara?

Help a sister out!

As God as My Witness

i have grey jeans too. can we be friends?

I refuse to be ashamed of my love for Gossip Girl.

That's right, I said "suck it!" naysayers!

I also refuse to hide my cubi-giggles* at one of the greatest features on New York Magazine's site, the Gossip Girl recap where they judge how accurate the episode was.

Some of my favorite accuracies that totally take me back to high school:

Playing field hockey at Asphalt Green. Been there, done there, nursed turf burn. Man, I miss my field hockey outfit...

Elevators that open into the foyer of the apartment. That's how you know exactly how loaded these people are.

Parties where boys play video games and nurse watered down booze.

Ahhhh, Elizabeth Street. How I miss you and your shopping wonders.

* cubi-giggle: to burst forth with a snicker when reading something while at work in a cubicle. Often related to procrastinating/non-work related items on the internet. If work makes you cubi-giggle, well, you are a dork. My condolences.

photo courtesy of nymag.com who got it from someone else.

Bobbi Brown-anza!

Ok, I completely apologize for sitting on this post for a few weeks now, but with the impending fall weather, I'll just claim that I intended it that way.

So, I received an invitation from Diron at the Bobbi Brown counter to come check out the new fall colors. Now, thinking that, sweet Jesus, it's still like 92 degrees out, I was in no mood to slather on dark and vampy colors on my own, I dragged my friend to Nordstroms in Pentagon City with me.

Actually, she dragged me since she knows how to drive there and I don't. The Virginia roads remain a complete mystery to me.

We plopped ourselves into the makeup high-chair and let Diron get to work.

He did a fabulous job on both our makeup, was patient with my incessant blinking when instruments get near my eyes, and talked my friend down off the ledge when he started putting bright pink blush on her cheeks. He explained how Bobbi's line is first and foremost about skin, and when your skin looks beautiful, all the other makeup will look great.

He also gave me a great tip about layering two kinds of blush. He says that Bobbi always teaches them to put the base color on as normal and then dust a bright shade just on the apple of the cheek for a "pop" of color.

We both walked away with products galore. I chose the Pot Rouge in Blushed Rose, which looks great on my cheeks and lips, the Corrector for undereye circles, and my absolute fave, Galaxy long wearing cream shadow.

rouge!

Seriously, I don't know if I can rave enough. This is an exclusive color to Nordstrom, a grey shadow with gold flecks and almost a green undertone. It sounds bizarre, but looks like heaven.

First of all, it lasts for. ev. er. Much like Donald Rumsfeld, it just doesn't know when to quit. It doesn't crease and fades after about 8 hours in the heat, but leaves only a hint of the gold shimmer. Second, it is such an interesting color, and it happens to bring out the green in my eyes, which is pretty rare.



My friend walked away with one of the eyeshadow palettes that everyone raves about each season...Midnight Metallics. A gorgeous trio of silver, blue and white shimmery shadows, it's perfect for a night out on the town.




Now we just need to figure out a place to go!!



photos courtesy of nordstrom.com

Help Me Help You

Ok, I've been in a little rut lately since I've been running around working non-stop for the past few weeks.



I keep taking breaks to run into a Sephora or Blue Mercury for inspriation but find myself walking out emptyhanded!



So, I want your help, dear readers.



I have a $25 credit at Bloomingdale's and I'm stopping by the Chevy Chase store tomorrow evening for a registry party. Sooo, tell me what you think I should buy!



New mascara? Yet another lip gloss? Maybe a new Chanel nail polish color so I can fit in with the girls on "The Hills?"



Let me know!!



Also, here is the info on the registry party for all you brides-to-be out there!

A Little Light Reading

Just in case you were worried about how you would slog through another Tuesday at the office...





Entertainment Weekly has posted a guide to the new season of Project Runway.





It features each designer and give you a glimpse into Tim Gunn's take on their style and chances of winning, oh-so-cleverly entitled "Gunn-entary."

There is also an interactive Project Runway dictionary for those of you who really have too much time on your hands.

It is certainly getting me pumped up to watch the new season, although I thought last year's was killer.





Also, while you are over at EW, check out their high-larious recaps of many TV shows, especially the well styled train wreck that is "The Hills."

photo courtesy of ew.com

Found It!

The perfect white camisole.

Yup. That's right. It's all mine....


Ok, so most of you are probably all, "This chick is out of her mind. All she hears about all day is doom and gloom, the world is ending, there is no money for brilliant school children whose talents are wasted in below average schools and they are getting fat because the evil Farm Bill subsidizes high fructose corn syrup and then we have crappy health care to take care of their diabetes and then no one pays for their elder care because we are at war and she is concerned about a freaking TANK TOP?

Well, yeah, kinda.

I don't like to have to have those meetings and worry that I am contributing to the downfall of society because people are staring at my see-through shirt.

Anyhoo, Club Monaco has recently debuted a stretchy camisole in white and black that is just phenomenal. It's thin enough to fit under a button down, but isn't transparent. Nice spaghetti straps that don't cut into your shoulders. Comfortable, and minus the completely superfluous "shelf bra" found in most of these so-called camis.

Seriously, wear a bra! We live in a civilized society!

Not exactly cheap at $29 a pop, but I would warrant that one white and one black should last you solidly through a few seasons of sheer blouses and itchy sweaters.

If only they came in nude....

Well, I guess that's like wishing for world peace and for everyone to have access to 5 fruits and veggies a day.

Bloomies!

I've been totally stuck in hearing hell the past few weeks, so to my total delight, I received an invite to the "private opening" of the new Bloomingdale's in Chevy Chase.

Let's just say that the place was packed, despite my efforts to make an early departure from work.

However, the place is fantastic.

Seriously.

I had recently been going to the Bloomies in White Flint which...well, it blows. This one...it's like night and day.

The merch is gorgeous, and they carry pretty extensive selections of designers that are harder to find in D.C. Big Sonia Rykiel section, loads of M Missoni, and a Tory Burch section I plan to hit like a ton of bricks once my birthday gift money starts rolling in.

The shoe and bag section is notably good. Spotted: Mulberry and Anya Hindmarch, two of my favorite stops in NY, and a solid collection of Theory shoes. And yes, they are as cute and classic as the clothes.

Also, my mother will be so happy, I checked out the home section and liked it enough to pick up some information about registering.

Not that I've ACTUALLY registered or anything (unlike Heidi on "The Hills," who feels the need to shop for a dress and register in the same week) don't get crazy....

If you are in the hood...stop by and check it out.

News! News!

I've been hearing grumblings from people who are in desperate need of some Project Runway.

And by people I mean me.

Well, some others too.

I noticed that Bravo has been doing some sneak peeks at the Season 4 designers during Tim Gunn's new show and that just whetted my appetite for all manner of sewing and bitchy craziness wonderful. A quick Google seach for the new start revealed nothing official.

But, I did a little digging on my favorite place for all things PR, Blogging Project Runway and hit pay dirt.

They state that Heidi Klum got all out ahead of Bravo and posted that the start date is November 14. They quickly issued a ceasse and desist and she took it down.

Sooo...Nov. 14th people! Set the Tivo! And tune in here for loads of my early morning cranky recaps!

So, so guilty...

Of watching "Gossip Girl" on the CW last night!

I can't help it! As an alumna of a New York City private school, I had to check it out.

My verdict...definitely guilty pleasure trashy tv worth watching. It's like "Cruel Intentions" with out the knowledge of what happens to Ryan and Reese in real life. I also appreciate the unfake shots of the characters at my favorite haunts, like Bergdorf's and Bendel's.

Also, the clothes are fabulous! I'm dying for everything in Serena's wardrobe, especially that leather jacket and the sparkly dress.

I never could have gotten any boys I knew in high school to wear a tux though....

Oh Zoe.

For a little light reading with your coffee this morning, I recommend heading over to an article printed in the New York Times Magazine section this Sunday about stylist extraordinaire Rachel Zoe.


And by "stylist extraordinaire," I mean, freakishly skinny wrinkly woman who has some how transformed actresses into walking billboards for her friends and managed to talk them into dieting until they practically make Holocaust victims look rubenesque.


Some of the highlights:


Rachel will only drink Starbucks coffee. Even in Paris. A city with one of the greatest cafe cultures in the world. But, if you don't drink it there, you may as well just be a terrorist and hate America. You pinko Commie freak.


Zoe brusquely sends back a plate of steamed vegetables at a Paris restaurant because there is a small dollop of some kind of sauce. Rachel, apparently, cannot tolerate sauce or calories of any kind.


Also consumed in the article: diet Snapple and tea.



Rachel is in shock to hear that vegetables actually DO contain calories.

Readers are informed that her last name is pronounced "Zoh," like "No." However, when she was just a babe in Jersey, people pronounced her middle name "ZOH-ee" like everyone else. Oh, she also dropped the surname "Rosenzweig."

Clients will not be dressed in any color that does not flatter the stylist herself.


We discover the mystery of the Marchesa explosion. It's what you thought. Harvey Weinstein decided that people should wear his girlfriend's clothes and Zoe made it happen.


Her ring tone is "Riders on the Storm" by the Doors. 'Cause that's not cliche in a look-at-how-highbrow-recherche-I-am way.


Nicole Kidman is one demanding crazy person.


The author of the article does not seem to disguise a sense of amusement and distaste for Zoe. Great reading though....

photos courtesy of nytimes.com